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Drinks jokes

Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 1 to 15.

25 Running Jokes - to celebrate Global Running Day

Every year on the first Wednesday in June, people across the U.S. participate in Global Running Day. Celebrate the occasion with some running jokes to keep the fun in your run!

Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?
He kept changing tracks.

How did the Robot break the 400m world record?
There was short circuit!

How did the barber win the race?
He took a shortcut.

Why did the marathoner constantly play a prank on his team mate?
Because it was a running joke.

Why do runners go jogging early in the morning?
They want to finish before their brain figures out what they are doing.

How do you know your a dedicated runner?
When your treadmill has more miles on it than your car.

What do you call a free treadmill?
OUTSIDE!

What’s a sprinter’s favourite takeaway?
McDonald’s.
They love fast food!

What do a dentist and a track coach have in common?
They both use drills!

Why are the President and Vice President so fit?
Because they are running mates.

Where did the Helsinki Marathon end?
At the Finnish line.

Why shouldn't runners use a treadmill?
It'll get them nowhere!

Why did no one think Cinderella was a serious athlete?
Because everybody knew her coach was a pumpkin.

Why don’t sprinters have long careers?
Because they’re only good in the short run.

What does a runner lose after winning a race?
Their breath!

Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.

What do you call a half-marathoner?
Half crazy.

What do you call a steep hill that runners love to race up?
The psycho-path.

Why happened to the tomato that fell behind in the race?
It had to ketchup.

What happens when you run in front of a car?
You get tired.

What do you get when you jog behind a car?
Exhausted!

Why don’t they allow animals in the marathon?
Because they aren’t part of the human race.

What do sprinters snack on before the race?
Nothing, they fast!

The snowman had to give up running eventually.
He just couldn’t warm up.

The long-distance runner had a real fear of speed bumps on the road.
He’s slowly getting over it.

#joke #prank #animal #fruit #orange #food #tomato #drinks #juice #sport #jogging #athlete
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

No Tobacco Day jokes

The annual World No Tobacco Day campaign (31 May) is an opportunity to raise awareness on the harmful and deadly effects of tobacco use. Raise awareness with these jokes.

The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.
Suddenly, a baby starts crying.
"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."

Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?
To get a breath of filtered air​​.

Why don't vampires like to smoke?
They always end up coffin​​.

A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.
The sales guy is stunned and asks,
"Is your dad home?"
The kid replies,
"What do you think?"​

"You know, lady, you don't actually smoke.
The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!"

I want to open a Christian tobacco store.
I'm going to call it Holy Smokes.

My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.
It was all just smoke and mirrors.

Tobacco companies kill their best customers
And condom companies kill their future customers.

Smoking cigarettes helps the environment...
...because it kills humans​.

What’s another name for time off from work to have a smoke?
Taking a coughy break​ ​.

#joke #drinks #cognac
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar...

A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Redneck baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
#joke #drinks #whisky #father
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

2024 April Fools’ Day pranks - get your pranks up to date

AI prank
Ask something on about well-known person/celebrity a href="https://gemini.google.com" target="_blank">gemini.google.com or chat.openai.com or any other Chat Bot or AI tool.
Take Screenshot and then edit the name and put name of your friend instead and send it to a friend saying: “Look what ChatGPT (or Gemini or whatever…) has on you!”
They will for sure go and check themselves!

Juice pranks – fill glass with jelly instead of juice
Care for a drink?
When your family tries to take a sip of this juice, they'll find out it’s really Jell-O.

Parking prank
Fake parking ticket onto windshield is classic prank.

Some April Fools’ Day pranks get better with age!
Check these Classic April Fools’ Day pranks to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!

Delivery prank
Save the delivery boxes for a few weeks and then on April 1 set them all out by the front door.

Fake Remote Batteries
Replace your remote batteries with fake or dead batteries.
The person using the remote while watching television won't be able to change the channel.
You can sit and laugh at them while they are struggling to fix the remote.

Cookie monster
Unscrew several Oreo cookies and replace the filling with toothpaste.
Sandwich the cookies back together and serve with milk to make it look like a totally normal snack.

Put an air horn behind a door prank
Put an air horn behind a door, then run for cover when someone opens it.

I'm Moving Away Prank
Ideally, take a photo of new neighbor moving in/out so the truck is visible and your neighborhood recognizable on the photo.
If you can't find photo in your neighborhood, just find stock photo of Full-Service Movers so only truck and workers are visible, but not surrounding. Share photo to let your friends know you are moving out.

Need more April Fools’ Day pranks?
Check older April Fools’ Day pranks, they are still good today!

Wool in shoes prank
Stuff someone’s shoes with cotton wool.
They will be so confused when they don’t fit anymore!

Veggies for breakfast prank
Play with quirky twist on breakfast by substituting veggies for the expected doughnuts. Purchase a box from your nearby doughnut shop, but discreetly empty it of its contents before returning home.
Instead, fill it with nutritious options like carrots, celery, and broccoli, then seal it and place it on the table.
Watch as your family anticipates indulging in doughnuts for breakfast, only to discover a pleasant surprise of fresh salad ingredients.
This clever swap can also bring a healthy touch to your workplace when left in the communal kitchen area.

Pretend it’s someone’s birthday when it’s not prank
Then get everyone to sing Happy Birthday to them, and watch the embarrassment unfold.

#joke #aprilfoolsday #prank #animal #seal #food #salad #breakfast #carrot #sandwich #drinks #milk #juice
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

24 Leap Day Jokes - Make Every February 29th memorable

Trying to figure out why 2024 will be longer than 2023…
But so far, nothing leaps to mind.

What’s a great thing about leap-year jokes?
That you only hear them repeated every 4 years.

If a leap year has 366 days, what do you call a year with 365 days?
A light year.

Why did the man get arrested on Leap Day?
Because he was doing 29 in a 28 zone.

What do you call a frog born on February 29?
A leap frog

What do Lawyers do on leap day?
They jump to conclusions

How do you know it’s almost Leap Day?
When it is only a hop, skip and a jump away.

What do athletes wear during a Leap Year?
Jumpsuits.

What do kids play during a Leap Year?
Hop-scotch.

What do you call a surgery during a Leap Year?
A hop-eration.

Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
RIP people born on the 29th of February.

October 31st should be a leap year.
One day you’re having a good time with Halloween. Then it’s 3 years of being ghosted.

Today is a leap day.
Guess you should jump with joy.

Yo mama so old, she even lived through the first leap year.

Are you gonna buy into an annual subscription of any kind?
Do it on February 29, you might get it free for the next four years based on poor code!

Happy 2025 to all.
Remember we must skip 2024 — it’s a leap year.

What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day?
Hip Hop

How did the leap year party go?
It was jumping all night long!

Why did the calendar feel unbalanced during leap years?
Because it had an extra day to juggle!

Why don't lions like Leap Day?
Because they are always jumping through hoops.

What does a captain do on Leap Day?
Jump ship.

I'm going to get married on February 29th, so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

Why was February so popular with the other months?
Because it brought an extra day of fun to the party!

Why don’t we ever plan important events on February 29th?
Because it’s too risky to take a leap of faith!

#joke #lawyer #yomama #halloween #animal #frog #lion #drinks #scotch #sport #athlete
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

A Genius Solution

I put my root beer in a square glass...
Now it's just beer.

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (14)

We Don't Hide Crazy

We don't hide crazy in this family.
We put it out on the front porch and give it a beer!

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.19/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (16)

Winter is here! Collection of 76 Winter Jokes

1. Why did the snowman hold up his arms?
He was told to freeze.

2. What did the black ice ask the car?
Wanna go for a spin?

3. How do you know when a snowman is scared?
He's sitting in yellow snow.

4. What did the mitten say to the hand?
I've got you covered.

5. Why did the reindeer have a limp?
He took a snowfall.

6. What's the difference between ice and icicle?
Ice has noel.

7. Why is a sled always discouraged?
It's continuously on a downward slide.

8. What do you call a cold thief?
A brrrr-glar.

9. Why was there a puddle in front of the fireplace?
A snowman was trying to warm himself.

10. What is the purpose of bundling up?
Anti-freeze.

11. How does Jack Frost keep warm?
With a thick blanket of snow.

Christmas is almost here, check out Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

12. Why did the snowman leave?
He had a meltdown.

13. What happens when you catch a cold?
You get cabin fever.

14. Where does a snowman store his cash?
In a snowbank.

15. What is the best way to build a snow fort?
I-gloo it together.

16. Why does Frosty's wife look so young?
She uses cold cream on her face.

17. What happens when a mosquito lands on a snowman?
He gets frostbite.

18. Why did the two snowmen part ways?
One was just too flaky.

19. When is an igloo a bad investment?
During global warming.

20. What are little snowmen called?
Chill-dren.

21. What is a snowman's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

22. When does winter begin?
When autumn leaves.

23. How did the snowman get flattened?
Instead of his usual snow shower, he went for an avalanche.

24. Why are polar bears so big?
Because they snack on ice cream and snow cones.

25. How does a snowman lose weight?
He drinks only hot chocolate.

26. What has the best chance of surviving a fall?
Snow.

27. How does Jack Frost stay so thin?
He only eats iceberg lettuce.

28. How does Santa like his cookies?
With lots of ice-ing.

29. What fish do you catch in the winter?
Frozen fish sticks.

30. Why should you invite an ice fisherman to your party?
To help break the ice.

31. What is sure to stop a snowball fight?
A hail storm.

32. How does a snowman travel through town?
On bi-cicle.

33. Who is Frosty's favorite aunt?
Aunt Artica.

34. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose.

35. What do you call a hot-tempered snowman?
A puddle.

36. How did the man feel after being buried under the avalanche?
A bit under the weather.

37. How did the snowman know he was getting sick?
He had the chills.

38. What type of beer is served in Iceland?
Only drafts.

39. How do mountain tops handle the cold?
They put on their snow caps.

40. What's easy to catch and hard to get rid of?
A cold.

41. Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow body.

42. When will you see snowmen dance?
At a snowball.

43. What did the snowman's wife put over the baby crib?
A snowmobile.

44. What gift should you never give a snowman?
An electric blanket.

45. How do you know when you have angered a snowman?
You'll get the cold shoulder.

46. What do you call a reindeer without eyes?
I have no eye deer.

47. What did a police officer ask a suspect in the Arctic?
Where were you the night of September to March?

48. What do you call 5 snowshoe hares bouncing backward in the snow?
A receding hare line.

49. Who protects snowmen?
Snow angels.

50. Why should you wear a helmet during a hail storm?
So you don't get knocked out cold.

51. Why are snowmen so well-behaved?
They don't want to end up in the greenhouse.

52. What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.

53. How do snowmen get smarter?
From the winternet.

54. What do the elves eat for lunch in the North Pole?
Cold cuts and chilly.

55. What did one snowflake say to another?
Let's stick together.

56. How can you tell when a snowman is embarrassed?
He begins to slush.

57. What song do you sing to honor a snowman?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

58. What is the elf's favorite time at the workshop?
Snow and tell.

59. How do you defend yourself against a snowman?
With a heat gun.

60. What do you call a snapshot from the North Pole?
A polaroid.

61. Why is it easy to build a blonde snowman?
It's made up of flakes.

62. What do trees say after winter is over?
What a re-leaf!

63. Why do polar bears live by themselves?
They like the ice-olation.

64. Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot. You can easily catch a cold.

65. What do you call a penguin in the city?
Lost.

66. What does a snowman take when he's afraid of melting?
A chill pill.

67. What dilemma does a snowman with achy muscles have?
Wondering whether or not IcyHot rub is a good idea.

68. Why do reindeer have fur?
Because snowsuits don't fit them.

69. What are the chances of a white Christmas?
Pretty good. It's Decembrrrrr.

70. What happens when you cross a wizard with a blizzard?
You get a cold spell.

71. Why do ski socks never make plans?
They're afraid they'll get cold feet.

72. How do you stay warm in any room during the winter?
Go into a corner. It's always 90 degrees.

73. How do you get a snowman to disappear?
Give him a warm hug.

74. What happens when you ask Santa for money?
He leaves cold hard cash.

75. Why did the orchestra set up in the snow?
They wanted to play "cool jazz."

76. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!

#joke #blonde #policeman #christmas #animal #bear #penguin #reindeer #fish #mosquito #food #breakfast #lunch #carrot #chocolate #drinks #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 1.57/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

A Good Bottle of Wine

Question: How much should I spend on a really good bottle of wine?
Half an hour?
Twenty minutes?

#joke #short #drinks #wine
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023

Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through

If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

  1. What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
  2. What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
  3. That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
  4. I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
  5. What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
  6. What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
  7. What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
  8. All I want for Christmas is ewe.
  9. I'm pine-ing for you.
  10. Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
  11. Your presents are requested.
  12. Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
  13. What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
  14. I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
  15. The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
  16. This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
  17. I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
  18. A round of Santa-plause, please.
  19. Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
  20. Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
  21. Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
  22. Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
  23. Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
  24. These decorations are tree-mendous.
  25. I only have ice for you.
  26. It is ice to meet you.
  27. Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
  28. How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
  29. Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
  30. How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
  31. What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
  32. Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
  33. Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
  34. Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
  35. Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
  36. What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
  37. It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
  38. If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
  39. That look soots you.
  40. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
  41. Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
  42. It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
  43. The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
  44. How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
  45. What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
  46. You sleigh me.
  47. I’ll never fir-get.
  48. In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
  49. You’re the best person I snow.
  50. It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
  51. I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
  52. Rebel without a Claus.
  53. You’re my soul Santa.
  54. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
  55. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
  56. What do you call an old snowman? Water.
  57. Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
  58. What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
  59. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
  60. Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
  61. What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
  62. What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
  63. When I think about you, I touch my elf.
  64. He is a fungi to be with.
  65. Eat, drink, and be tacky.
  66. I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
  67. You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
  68. What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
  69. Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
  70. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
  71. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
  72. Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
  73. What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
  74. Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
  75. What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
  76. Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
  77. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  78. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
  79. Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
  80. How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
  81. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
  82. Eat, drink, and be meowy.
  83. Have a meowy Christmas.
  84. Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
  85. May your days be meowy and bright.
  86. All I want for Xmas is mew.
  87. Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
  88. Catty Canes.
  89. The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
  90. Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
  91. I love hanging with you this season.
  92. Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
  93. Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
  94. Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
  95. I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
  96. Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
  97. This year my tree is #ballin.
  98. Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
  99. Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
  100. Looking at you is like reading poetree.
  101. Birch, please.
  102. I love the festive season more than you think.
  103. Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
  104. I’m having fun fir sure.
  105. I love you a whole watt.
  106. What a de-light you are to be around.
  107. Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.
#joke #christmas #newyear #animal #cat #dog #cow #pet #reindeer #chihuahua #food #breakfast #lunch #potato #burger #butter #drinks #wine #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

62 corny jokes to get you through Monday

  • Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
  • You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
  • Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
  • Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
  • If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
  • How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
  • You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
  • Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
  • I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
  • What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
  • I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
  • Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
  • What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
  • What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
  • What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
  • What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
  • Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
  • Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
  • What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
  • What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
  • Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
  • Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
  • Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
  • Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
  • Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
  • It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
  • Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
  • I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
  • Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
  • My job is secure. No one else needs it.
  • It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
  • Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
  • What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
  • Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
  • What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
  • My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
  • I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
  • Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
  • Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
  • Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
  • I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
  • I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  • What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
  • What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
  • What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
  • Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
  • Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
  • When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
  • The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
  • The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
  • Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
  • Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
  • Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
  • What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
  • Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
  • What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
  • I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
  • The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
  • Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
  • Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
  • What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
  • I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.
#joke #monday #animal #cat #dog #bird #lion #shark #fruit #watermelon #grapes #food #honey #eating #drinks #beer #sport #tennis #wedding
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New 2023 Thanksgiving jokes

What kind of dessert sticks to the wall?
Pie-der Man!

What do you call roasted vegetables that run from the kitchen to the table?
Hustle Sprouts!

Need more Thanksgiving jokes? We have huge Thanksgiving jokes collection

If the Mayflower brought the Pilgrims, what brought their dogs?
The Collie-flower!

What do you call the ghost of a turkey?
A poultry-geist!

Why are turkeys always grumbling?
They’re in a fowl mood!

Has this meat juice been listening to Joe Rogan?
It’s so baste!

How did the turkey get to Thanksgiving?
He rode the gravy train!

Why did the turkey’s dad make him eat nothing but stale bread?
To stuffin’ him up!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
He was trying to convince people he was a chicken!

These used to be plain old cranberries. Now, they’re a flying sauce-er!
(throw cranberry sauce across the room)

#joke #thanksgiving #animal #dog #chicken #turkey #food #bread #pie #dessert #meat #drinks #juice
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Almost at the end of the week? Check out these jokes to help you survive!

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today…
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire.

Me: What's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go.
So what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
No spaces, all lowercase! Three men are on a boat They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Got myself a takeaway coffee today.
I asked if I could pay by card.
The waitress said, "Yes of course.
What have you got?"
I said, "The four of clubs!"

Did you hear about the plan to prohibit the use of Roman numerals?
I for one, think it's a terrible idea.

My wife told me she couldn't stay married to a cross dresser.
So I packed her things and left.

Husband takes his wife to a disco, theres a man on the dance floor, moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. Wife turns to her husband & sighs "You see that man?
25 years ago he asked me to marry him & I said no!" Husband says "It looks like he’s still out celebrating!"

#joke #drinks #coffee #coke #pepsi
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35 New Halloween jokes from 2023

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange or Nec-tarines?

Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!

Why don't vampires eat cows?
They don't like stakes.

Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
His ghoulfriend.

Why didn't the police arrest the zombie?
He couldn't be taken alive.

How do ghosts drink their coffee?
With scream and sugar.

How many real vampires are there?
None. Unless you count Dracula.

What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
Ice scream sandwich.

Why did the ghost quit his job?
They kept making him work the graveyard shift.

Tired of new jokes? We have big collection of older Halloween jokes

Why do witches wear name tags?
To tell which witch is which.

How do skeletons start their cars?
With skeleton keys.

What did one casket say to the sick casket?
Is that you coughin'?

What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you, coffin?

Why don't ghosts take showers?
They only like boo-ble baths.

Why did Dracula go to art school?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.

How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.

What did the corpse's mom do when she got mad at him?
She grounded him.

What kind of ship does Dracula have?
A blood vessel.

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.

Why didn't the mom let the little witch go trick or treating with her friends?
She was ex-spelled from school.

What kind of dessert does a monster like?
I-scream!

Why don't monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
They eat fingers separately.

When do zombies finish trick or treating?
When they are dead tired.

Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
Mali-boo.

Who does a mummy take on a date?
Any girl he can dig up.

What does a zombie wear to make their eyes pop?
Ma-scare-a!

Why did the Cyclops give up teaching?
He only had one pupil!

What kind of car does Frankenstein drive on Halloween night?
A monster truck.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.

Why wouldn’t Dracula’s kids laugh at his jokes?
Because they all sucked.

Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

#joke #policeman #halloween #animal #cow #fruit #orange #food #sandwich #sugar #egg #dessert #drinks #coffee #mother #mom
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8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…
My whole life has become a joke!

I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious.

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill

I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.

I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!

#joke #monday #animal #deer #food #dinner #drinks #coke
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