Drinks jokes (16 to 30)Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 16 to 30. |
A man walks into a pub with a rat on his shoulder
He takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint from the landlord.Landlord says "Uh, mate, you can't have that rat in here."
Man replies "Ah don't worry. You see, he's a special rat, he could out drink any man in this pub. Give me a pint and I'll show you."
The landlord is sceptical, but he brings the rat a pint. The man takes the rat off of his shoulder and dunks him into the pint. The rat swims around the glass and in seconds, the beer is gone.
This attracts the attention of the other patrons, and before long, everyone in the pub is buying drinks for the rat. He gets more pints and drains them all. One man buys him multiple shots, and the rat dips his head in each and downs them all.
After several rounds, the landlord says "alright, let's really put this rat to the test."
He gathers several bottles, and leads the patron upstairs to his bathroom, before filling the bathtub with spirits. The man plops the rat down in the bath, and the rat happily drains it, before keeling over, dead.
The man begins to weep. "My sweet friend, I can't believe he's gone."
The landlord places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "He was a truly unique creature. May we honour him by hanging his tail above the bar?" The man accepts this request, and the landlord cuts off the rat's tail, then takes it and hangs it above the bar.
Meanwhile, the rat floats on up to the pearly gates and is met by Mouse St. Peter, who invites him into Mouse Heaven.
"Hang on," says the rat, "I can't go to mouse heaven, I'm supposed to go to rat heaven."
Mouse St. Peter chuckles, looking the rat up and down, "why would you go to rat heaven? You're clearly a mouse. If you were a rat, you'd have a great stinking tail."
"You don't understand," says the rat, "some bloke on earth took my tail when I died. Look, if you could just send me back for a moment, I can get my tail back and prove to you I should be in rat heaven."
Mouse St. Peter thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers, and suddenly the rat, now a ghost, is back in the bathtub. He scuttles back down to the bar, where he finds the landlord closing up.
"You there, landlord!" says the rat, "I need my tail back so I can get into rat heaven!"
The landlord, startled by the presence of a rat he thought to be deceased, stares at the rat in disbelief. "Y-you're supposed to be dead!"
"I know," says the rat, "and if you can just get me my tail, I'll be on my way."
The landlord looks to the rat, then to the tail behind the bar.
"I'm sorry my furry friend, I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I can't serve spirits after hours."
Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day
August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes
I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon
I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard
What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies
Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.
What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles
What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz
What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.
What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”
Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.
What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.
A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
A tale of two titties!
A couple had been married for 50 years.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey
He takes a sip and then spits it out."I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."
The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.
"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"
The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:
"This one's on the house."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Now tell me, how old am I?"
Tickle Your Tuesday: 11 Hilarious Jokes to Brighten Your Day
I really enjoy hearing all of the national anthems played at the Olympics.
I love country music.
In this hot weather, I find the best way to keep cool is to strip off and stand in front of an open refrigerator…
Now I'm banned from Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons!
Me: No.
Son: Hmm. I feel like maybe you're not committed to that no.
I'm gonna ask 684 more times to be sure.
My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!”
So I asked her if we could watch something other than our wedding video?
What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common
No ballroom.
A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift…
I thought it was very sweet!
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
Took a girl to a French restaurant, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts.
But her personality was nice.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana...
I think all documentaries should be watched this way
I don’t often roll a joint,
but when I do it’s my ankle.
They're Lidl people!
10 Fresh Jokes for a Midweek Laugh
I was once served French pancakes in a haunted house…
They gave me the crepes!
Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."
I got fired from Pepsi after working there for 20 years.
I tested positive for coke.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What do you call a man with a toe on his knee?
Tony.
It's ironic how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals.
And blamed it on cost of living.
Save money when buying a coffin…
Buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!
I wonder what Jeff Bezos does before he goes to bed.
Probably puts his pyjamazon.
I paid $500 for a belt.
It was a huge waist.
My girlfriend has always said that I'm not a romantic.
So I surprised her and proposed to her in a castle.
You would think she would have been happy
but for the look on her face as we were bouncing around........
A gang of pirates find themselves shipwrecked on the beach
Luckily there's a harbor near by and the captain heads in to barter for goods. Naturally the captain seeks out the first merchant who is selling booze and requests his finest bottle of rum.
Upon returning the crew is aghast. "All you came back with is a lousy bottle of rum"? Aye boys the merchant says to me this here's a magic bottle of rum. No matter how much yee drink it never goes dry. "You fool!!! He hoodwinked you. There's no such as a magic bottle of rum"! Ah well, no matter, alls I traded him was a ship that'll never sink.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer...
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !! Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???
Tapas Jokes, to celebrate World Tapas Day
World Tapas Day, observed annually on the third Thursday of June, is an international holiday celebrating the small Spanish Tapa dish that is usually served with drinks. Check out Tapas Jokes
What did the dyslexic man order at the Italian restaurant? Tapas.
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.
Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century? It's a bayou tapas-tree.
How do we know that the Normans ate small portions of Spanish food? Because of the Bayeux Tapas Tray!
What did the Spanish keyboard say? Tapas .
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer and two plates of tapas.
Another man walked into the bar and ordered 10 beers and 20 plates of tapas.
The barman said, "That's an order of magnitude!"
I got the roast duck at a fancy tapas place downtown...
Boy, the duck might have been small but its bill sure was big.
Girlfriend took me out for tapas today.
I kept repeating 'this is a great way tapas the time'
The look of annoyance on her face was growing.
So I told her if it's annoying just tell me tapas off.
25 Sushi jokes to celebrate International Sushi Day
June 18th is International Sushi Day! Have Sushi and some jokes!
My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food.
Sushi left me.
Q: What is my preferred type of sushi?
A: Payroll.
Q: What did the sushi say to the bee?
A: Wasabi!
Q: What pan is the best to make sushi in?
A: Japan.
Q: How do sushi rolls apologize?
A: They “soy-rry.”
Q: Why don’t Wookies like sushi?
A: They think it’s a little Chewie.
Q: What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
A: Sushi roll.
Q: What did the sushi say to the sushi chef?
A: “I’m on a roll!”
Q: HoW does Lady Gaga like her sushi?
A: Ra-ra-raw-raw Ra-ra-raw-raw.
Q: How do sushi rolls stay calm under pressure?
A: They practice “maki-ng” wise decisions.
Q: What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?
A: A Rolls Rice.
Q: Why didn’t the sushi chef want to talk about the restaurant accident?
A: Because it was still very raw.
Q: What’s a soldier’s favorite type of sushi?
A: A combat roll.
Q: Why was the sushi detained?
A: He seemed fishy.
Q: When asked why he enjoys being in a sushi roll, what did the fish respond?
A: “It makes Miso happy,” he remarked.
Q: What did the one sushi roll say to the other during a friendly dinner?
A: “We’re ‘soy’ good together!”
Q: Why did the sushi go to the beach?
A: Because it wanted to become a California roll!
Q: When does the sushi chef spread Nutella on top of the salmon roll?
A: When customers request salmonella!
Q: Why did the sushi roll down the hill?
A: Because it couldn’t roll up.
Q: Why do lions love sushi?
A: Because it's roar!
Q: What do you call sushi that’s on sale?
A: A raW deal.
I asked my mum to buy me some raw fish for tea...
Sushi did!
Sushi addicts never argue,
they just roll with it.
Q: What do you call sushi with a tie?
A: So-fish-ticated
Q: What did the sushi say to the traveler?
A: You can’t sushi the world without me!
25 Running Jokes - to celebrate Global Running Day
Every year on the first Wednesday in June, people across the U.S. participate in Global Running Day. Celebrate the occasion with some running jokes to keep the fun in your run!
Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?
He kept changing tracks.
How did the Robot break the 400m world record?
There was short circuit!
How did the barber win the race?
He took a shortcut.
Why did the marathoner constantly play a prank on his team mate?
Because it was a running joke.
Why do runners go jogging early in the morning?
They want to finish before their brain figures out what they are doing.
How do you know your a dedicated runner?
When your treadmill has more miles on it than your car.
What do you call a free treadmill?
OUTSIDE!
What’s a sprinter’s favourite takeaway?
McDonald’s.
They love fast food!
What do a dentist and a track coach have in common?
They both use drills!
Why are the President and Vice President so fit?
Because they are running mates.
Where did the Helsinki Marathon end?
At the Finnish line.
Why shouldn't runners use a treadmill?
It'll get them nowhere!
Why did no one think Cinderella was a serious athlete?
Because everybody knew her coach was a pumpkin.
Why don’t sprinters have long careers?
Because they’re only good in the short run.
What does a runner lose after winning a race?
Their breath!
Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.
What do you call a half-marathoner?
Half crazy.
What do you call a steep hill that runners love to race up?
The psycho-path.
Why happened to the tomato that fell behind in the race?
It had to ketchup.
What happens when you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What do you get when you jog behind a car?
Exhausted!
Why don’t they allow animals in the marathon?
Because they aren’t part of the human race.
What do sprinters snack on before the race?
Nothing, they fast!
The snowman had to give up running eventually.
He just couldn’t warm up.
The long-distance runner had a real fear of speed bumps on the road.
He’s slowly getting over it.
No Tobacco Day jokes
The annual World No Tobacco Day campaign (31 May) is an opportunity to raise awareness on the harmful and deadly effects of tobacco use. Raise awareness with these jokes.
The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.
Suddenly, a baby starts crying.
"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."
Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?
To get a breath of filtered air.
Why don't vampires like to smoke?
They always end up coffin.
A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.
The sales guy is stunned and asks,
"Is your dad home?"
The kid replies,
"What do you think?"
"You know, lady, you don't actually smoke.
The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!"
I want to open a Christian tobacco store.
I'm going to call it Holy Smokes.
My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.
It was all just smoke and mirrors.
Tobacco companies kill their best customers
And condom companies kill their future customers.
Smoking cigarettes helps the environment...
...because it kills humans.
What’s another name for time off from work to have a smoke?
Taking a coughy break .
