Short jokes - funny one liners (81 to 120)

A One Exhibit Zoo

I went to the zoo.
There was only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo.
It was a Shih Tzu.

Doing Nothing

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.

Being In Prison

What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee?
In prison you get free health care.

The Heartfelt Greeting Card

Woman: "Do you have a greeting card which reads 'You are my first and last love'?"
Store keeper: "Yes ma'am, we do."
Woman: "Perfect! Give me 10 such cards!"

A Man with Glasses

Never hit a man with glasses...
Use your fists instead.

Dead End Street

I live on a dead end street.
It is electrically deficient.
There are no outlets!

Wife Is Being Unfaithful

How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful?
You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman.

Definition of a Bachelor

What is the definition of a bachelor?
A man who doesn't have to leave the party just as he's beginning to enjoy himself.

Couples Time

Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships just don't work out.

Buffalo's Milk

"Mom says that drinking a buffalo's milk makes us smarter."
"She's lying. If it did make one smarter, then the buffalo's calves would be scientists."

Early Morning Make-Up

A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.
Her husband asked the reason.
She replied, "I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it's not recognizing me without makeup."

Are You Reading That?

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes."
I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

House of Representatives

After serving for several years in the House of Representatives, Charlie decided to run for a seat in the Senate.
A fellow congressman asked Charlie why he was making this change.
Charlie explained: "My wife wanted me out of the house."

What does a Polish girl get on her wedding...

Prisoner Escaped

Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning.
“You know that a prisoner ran off in the night?”
The other guard sighs, “Ah finally, no more of that dang hammering!”

Affordable Luxury

Customer: "I’m looking for something cheap but high quality."
Salesperson: "You’re in luck! This pen writes just like a $100 pen."
Customer: "How much is it?"
Salesperson: "$99.99."

Mr. Aging

As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.
"It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."

A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time…

I've always wanted to start a company called...

Then my receptionist will have to answer the phone like "Thank you for calling Thank You for Calling How May I Help You, how may I help you?"

Panda Thief

Why did the panda steal my socks?
Because he had bear feet!

What Do You Have?

Teacher: "Johnny, if you have $20 in one pant pocket, and $35 in the other pant pocket, what do you have?"
Johnny: "That's easy, I have someone else's pants!"

Two Mongooses

A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese”. That doesn’t look quite right, so he tries two mongoose, and then two mongooses.
Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

Why Are They So Strong?

Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest of the days are weekdays.

Tell Her Instead

A magician comes up to our table and does a card trick.
Impressed, I asked him how he did it.
He says "I can tell you, but I'd then have to kidnap you and take you away."
I said, "Can you tell my mother-in-law?"

Free Quotes

I saw a contractor's truck that offered free quotes.
So I asked for one.
He said, "To be or not to be, that is the question."

Do I Look

A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.
"Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks.
"Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.

Morning Run

I went out for a run this morning, but I came back after a couple of minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I can't run for more than a couple of minutes.

Gym Problems

Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?
To get shredded!

Looking For A New Accountant

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

Many Uses for A Brush

Husband: "My shaving brush is very stiff now. I wonder what is wrong with it?"
Wife: "I don't know. It was nice and soft when I painted the bird cage yesterday."

Working Out

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today...
That’s 7 years in a row now...

Do You Play Hockey or Soccer?

While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient’s shins were covered with dark bruises.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “do you play hockey or soccer?”
“Neither,” said the man. “My wife and I play bridge.”

Rope Game

Why did the ballplayer bring a rope to the game?
He wanted to tie the score.

Debt Free

I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"

When We Were Kids

It was different when we were kids.
In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...
To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.

Painting and Cooking

John, an avant-garde painter got married.
Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?"
"It's great," she answered. "John paints and I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked."

A Giant's Pronouns

What are a giant's pronouns?
Fe/Fi/Fo/Fum.

New Chemical Formula

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

Trust me, I'm Sleeping

My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia.
That's probably why I always sleep with one eye open.

Fractured Dictionary, Part II

Baloney \\ba-lo’-ne\\: Where some hemlines fall.
Banquet \\bang’-kwit\\: Why the vocalist had no instrumentalists.
Bernadette \\burn’-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Boomerang \\boo’-me-rang\\: What’s on top of the Ghost Cream Pie.