The best jokes (11 to 20)

My Car GPS Works

I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it and told it to "go to hell."
Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

You have 10

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says: "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man: "How long have I got?"

"You have 10," the doctor says sadly.

"What do you mean, 10?" the man asks: "10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine, eight...."

Kissing Blarney Stone

A group of Americans were touring Ireland.

One woman in the group was constantly grumbling: The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group reached the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Kissing the Blarney Stone brings good luck all your life," the guide explained. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today, so no one can kiss it. Maybe we can return tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the cantankerous woman snapped. "We have another dull tour to attend. So, I guess we can't kiss that silly stone."

"Well," the guide replied, "it's said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll receive the same good fortune."

"I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the exasperated guide responded, "but I've sat on it."

The Old Nephew

My 7 year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but... look at the phones that kids your age are making in China!"

An amazing dog...

There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :

"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."

So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said "But I can't hire a dog."

The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, "OK, can you first type this document?" and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.

Flustered, the employer then said, "Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.

The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, "But are you bilingual?"

The dog said "Meow!"

Diagnose this patient

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

They Call Me the Computer

My boss calls me "the computer"...
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Pray Before Eating

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

How Old?

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

Answering Service

"Your call is very important to us...
... Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."