The best jokes (16 to 30)

The Announcement of My Death

Jerry was sitting down for breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper an announcment of his own death.
He called his friend at once, "Jim, have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"
Jim replied, "Yes, and exactly where are you calling from?"

Couples Time

Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships just don't work out.

Slow Clock

My wife complained that the kitchen clock had nearly killed her mother, as it fell off the wall seconds after where she had been sitting underneath it.
That darn clock has always been slow.

10 Fresh Jokes for a Midweek Laugh

I was once served French pancakes in a haunted house…
They gave me the crepes!

Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."

I got fired from Pepsi after working there for 20 years.
I tested positive for coke.

Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"

What do you call a man with a toe on his knee?
Tony.

It's ironic how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals.
And blamed it on cost of living.

Save money when buying a coffin…
Buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!

I wonder what Jeff Bezos does before he goes to bed.
Probably puts his pyjamazon.

I paid $500 for a belt.
It was a huge waist.

My girlfriend has always said that I'm not a romantic.
So I surprised her and proposed to her in a castle.
You would think she would have been happy
but for the look on her face as we were bouncing around........

Guy's sitting on the couch...

He goes to the kitchen. "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle."

"What's it supposed to be?" he asks.

She picks up the box. "A Rooster."

"Honey," he says. "Let's put the cornflakes back in the box....."

man overseas fighting a war

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

An American in Ireland goes to a local pub...

After having a pint, he decides to have a little fun.

“I’ll pay 500 dollars to whomever drinks 10 pints of Guinness in 5 minutes”, he says.

Nobody takes him up on his offer but one guy quickly runs out of the pub.

5 minutes later he comes back, says “I’ll do it”, and then proceeds downing 10 pints in 5 minutes.

Impressed, the American pays him the money, and asks “Where did you go right after I made the offer?”

The guy says: “Oh, I just ran to the pub next door to see if I could actually do it.”

Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him.
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 interstate. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."  

Brenda, pregnant with her firs...

What Is A Pessimist?

What is a Pessimist?
The real world dictionary defines a 'pessimist' as an optimist with no experience.

Slowing Down

You know you've reached middle age...
When you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

21st Century Newspaper

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

Really Good or Really Bad Future

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad...
It's 5050!

Raised As An Only Child

I was raised as an only child.
That got on my brother’s nerves.