The best jokes (31 to 45)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 31 to 45. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Really Good or Really Bad Future
3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad...
It's 5050!
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus...
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.
“CASE DISMISSED !!"
A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai...
A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. LNumber One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish, swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered!
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?" Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, release one fly, drew his Samurai sword, and "swoooooosh" flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmed," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. What takes REAL skill is circumcision"
An American in Ireland goes to a local pub...
An American in Ireland goes to a local pub. After having a pint, he decides to have a little fun.
“I’ll pay 500 dollars to whomever drinks 10 pints of Guinness in 5 minutes”, he says.
Nobody takes him up on his offer but one guy quickly runs out of the pub.
5 minutes later he comes back, says “I’ll do it”, and then proceeds downing 10 pints in 5 minutes.
Impressed, the American pays him the money, and asks “Where did you go right after I made the offer?”
The guy says: “Oh, I just ran to the pub next door to see if I could actually do it.”
A man has three girlfriends but doesn't know which...
A man has three girlfriends but doesn't know which one to marry.So as a test, he gives each of them $5,000 to see how they spend them.
The first girlfriend gives herself a complete makeover. She got a new hairstyle, new makeup, and a whole new wardrobe. When asked why she did this, she said "I wanted to make myself beautiful for you because I love you so much."
The second girlfriend bought him a bunch of gifts, including a new set of golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen TV. When asked why she did this, she said "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third girlfriend took the money and invested it in the stock market. She doubled her investment, gave the $5k back to him and re-invested the rest. When asked why, she said "I'm investing this money for our future together because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each girlfriend spent the money, and after careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.
Ex-Girlfriend
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Little Pete came home from the...
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
Physical Exam
The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.
"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's second best?"
The Panda
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.
After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”Abe and Esther are flying to ...
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system the Captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
That wife of mine is a liar...
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar."How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
Math Wiz
After writing a simple equation on the board the teacher asked if anyone could solve the problem.
Little Johnny walked up to the board, erased it and said, “Problem Solved.”
Dumb Horse
A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road.Luckly there was a farm near by.He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse,giddyup Sonya!
The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."
Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."
A Wish Gone Wrong
A genie granted me one wish, so I said, "I just want to be happy."
Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
