Short jokes - funny one liners (121 to 160)

Writing skills

Talk about writing skills...
Lawyers are the only people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a "brief"!

Driving Me Out of my Mind

Mindy: "I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car."
Missy: "Really? How did you do it?'
Mindy: "I opened the door and pushed him out."

Really Good or Really Bad Future

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad...
It's 5050!

Drop A Bad Habit

I used to think drinking was bad for me.
So I gave up thinking.

Appointment With My Cardiologist

I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5.
I left immediately!
Why?
I have to have better odds than that.

Healthy Advice

"Why does Grandma spray Windex all over her Medicare co-pay invoices?"
"She said she wants a clean bill of health."

Easy Exit

I love going outdoors.
It's so much easier than going out windows.

How Do I Look?

My favorite animal is my dog, because every time I ask him, "How do I look?"...
He always answers me by saying, "Wow! Wow!"

Christmas in October

On social media I posted, “If anyone mentions Christmas before Thanksgiving, I'm going to delete them!”
The next day, I didn’t have any friends.

Inseparable

My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

It's Not For Everyone

What is tact?
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

Technical Assistance

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.
He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

Nice Shoes

People who say I'm pretentious need to walk a mile in my Louis Vuitton's.

A Bag of Air

I bought a bag of air today…
The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

Nice Decorum

What do you call a wreath made of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins.

Call It A Day

An Irishman had just walked into a bar when he tripped over and fell.
He got up and said, "Guess I can call it a day."

The Running Florist

I was working in my downtown flower shop, when I noticed a man grab a bouquet and head for the door without paying.
By the time I got to the door, he was halfway down the block.
As I ran after him, I heard a woman across the street yell, "Run, Florist, Run!"

Little or Nothing

Diner: "These oysters are very small."
Waiter: "I suppose, sir."
Diner: "And they don't look very fresh."
Waiter: "Then I suppose it's a good thing they're so small, isn't it, sir?"

Tiny Pieces Of Paper

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds...
But instead I'm going to run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.

Nothing Here

Fun Fact!!!
Did you know that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome?
Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

Adult Fears

When I was a little boy, I used to be afraid of the dark...
Now as an adult, I see the electric bill and I'm afraid of the light!

Health or Wisdom

It is better to be healthy than wise...
Being sick costs you money, but you can be dumb for free.

Zero Discovery

The story behind Aryabhatta's discovery:
Aryabhatta asked his wife once "What are the chances of me winning any argument with you?"
Wife replied "What do you think?"
And then he discovered ... ZERO.

Kids Food

My kids are so open to experiencing culture.
They'll try anything, from chicken tenders at an Indian restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant.

Paying For His Mistake

A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

Slice of Life

Diner: "Pardon me, waiter, but what kind of pie it is?"
Waiter: "What does it taste like?"
Diner: "I don't know."
Waiter: "Then what's the difference?"

Help Me Please

I think I may need professional help...
A chef, a butler, and a maid should do it.

Dropping me down to a B

I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.

His Favorite Is Luke Skywalker

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character.
You should've seen the Luke on his face!

Rolling Her Eyes

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

Money Aged Over Youth

60 may be the new 40...
But the $100 dollar bill is the new $20 dollar bill.

Birthday Bonus

I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.
I knew right away who sent it...
It was my Uncle Ben.

Bedbugs In Love

Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love?
A: They got married in the spring.

On A Safari

Mr. and Mrs. Morrison were on a safari in Africa.
As they were walking through the jungle, a huge lion comes creeping out towards them, ready to pounce.
"Shoot!" Mrs. Morrison screamed to her husband. "Shoot!!"
"I can't!" he yelled back. "I'm all out of film!"

Which Haunted House

SON: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
DAD: What's wrong with the one we live in?
SON: Huh?
DAD: Goodnight...

Bad Breath

We should have a way of telling people when they have bad breath.
Something like, "Well, I'm bored... let's go brush our teeth."
Or, "I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth for me, will you."

Baboom

Forgot my Pin for the 3rd time today...
As expected, I'm now banned from Grenade training.

A Brushing Pal

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

A Time Saver

I ordered new coats for my kids...
For convenience, I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section.

A Proper Drum Kit

My son wanted a proper drum kit for his birthday but I got him a miniature one.
I'm now expecting wee percussions.