Short jokes - funny one liners (81 to 120)

Give A Bald Man A Comb

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
"Thanks, I’ll never part with it!"

Tough Problem

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.

Take A Message

When you call a dog, they usually come to you.
When you call a cat, they take a message.

The Can Crusher

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.

Why You Never See It

"Do you know why you've never see an elephant hiding up in a tree?"
"No, why?"
"Because they’re really good at it."

It's Red and Bad

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

A Genius Solution

I put my root beer in a square glass...
Now it's just beer.

Apple Watching

For her birthday present, I took my wife to an orchard, and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

We Don't Hide Crazy

We don't hide crazy in this family.
We put it out on the front porch and give it a beer!

Shark Meat

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
The slow swimmer.

Getting Old

You know your getting old...
When your son's hair is turning gray.

Identifying A Bald Eagle

How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.

Counting sheep

The sheep dog says to the farmer, “Here are your 20 sheep.”

The farmer says, “but I only have 17 sheep.”

“I know,” says the sheep dog, “I rounded them up.”

She Goes Boom

My husband calls me the bomb...
Not sure if it’s because I’m super attractive or because I might go off any minute!

Problem Teacher

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A serious drinking problem."

They Laughed, I Laughed

They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.

Good Morning, Bill

You know you're having a bad day when...
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Ever See A Catfish

Tom: Did you ever see a catfish?
Joe: Sure!
Tom: How did it hold the rod?

Chaplain of the U.S. Senate

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."

I'm Still Standing!

With Elton John being 76, now when you hear him saying "I'm Still Standing!"

That means he's waiting for someone to bring him a chair.

Evil Lessons

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week...
I don’t know how much she charges.

Contortionist Who Passed Away

Did you hear about the contortionist who passed away?
He died in his own arms.

DNA Test Results

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”

Donate A Kidney

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, it's a good thing...
But if you donate five kidneys, it's a bad thing and they call the police.

Nipped In the Bud

I saw a coupon for a discount on a vasectomy.
I clipped it.

Police Officer in Bed

What happens when a police officer gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.

What Is the NSA?

What is the NSA?
A government organization that actually listens to you.

Johnny's Math Lesson

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

Who Needs A Parachute

You do not need a parachute to go skydiving...
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

A Good Bottle of Wine

Question: How much should I spend on a really good bottle of wine?
Half an hour?
Twenty minutes?

The New Engagement Ring

A very exited mother asked her daughter, "Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?"
Her daughter replied, "Better than that, four of them recognized it!"

Thank You, Student Loans

Thank you, student loan, for helping me through college...
I don't think I can ever repay you.

You Can't Cut Down A Talking Tree

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Monster Under My Bed

Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."

Pain Relief

Every time I get a headache I take 2 Ibuprofen and keep away from my children...
Just like the bottle says.

Cowabunga Jake

I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse...
... I named them Jake from Steak Farm.

Caught Stealing Groceries

I saw a man stealing groceries the other day while on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.

Text Talk

My wife texted me “I love u”.
I said that’s my favorite letter, too.

Easy Rider

Car Dealer: "This car had just one careful owner."
Buyer: "But look at it, it's a wreck!"
Car dealer: "Well yes, you see, the other seven owners weren't quite as careful."

Writing skills

Talk about writing skills...
Lawyers are the only people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a "brief"!