Jokes of the day for Thursday, 19 February 2026

Annual checkup...

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you think that?" asks Quasimodo.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

Diet rule No1

Diet rule No1
If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn't contain any calories.

A man and his young wife were...

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

The Art Of Falling Apart

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.

My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel #5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.

When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obit, like I do every day;

If my name's not there, I'll once again start
Perfecting the art of falling apart!

To all Employees

It has been brought to Management's attention that someindividuals throughout the company have been using foullanguage during the course of normal conversation withtheir co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who maybe easily offended, this type of language will no longer betolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importanceof being able to accurately express your feelings you are whencommunicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 newand innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided sothat proper exchange of ideas and Information can continueto flow in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Have a Wonderful DAY ! ! !

Surprise email

A man checked into a hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing he sent the mail to a widow who has just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message she fainted.

The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read :

To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones.

I 've just been checked in.

How are you and the kids, the place is realy nice but am lonely here.

I have made necessary arrangement for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you!