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Beer jokes (301 to 315)Jokes about beer. These are the jokes listed 301 to 315. |
Redneck quickies 21
You might be a redneck if...
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
A nun is standing outside a pub
A nun is standing outside a pub and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:
"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"
The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, in heaven."
"Well," says the nun, "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!"
"What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?" The nun says she has not. "Then how can you talk to me about alcohol? I'll tell you what I'll do," he continues, "I'll buy you a drink, and after you've drunk it, then you can talk to me about alcohol. What'll you have?"
"I don't know," says the nun. "What do ladies usually drink?"
"Gin," he replies.
"Oh, alright," she says. "But - but can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices." The man nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender.
"Bartender! I'll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!"
"It's that bloody nun outside again, isn't it?"
Fairy Godmother
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat.
He walked up the the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."
They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat."
He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, and whisky for the cat."
The barman was curious about this and said, "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?"
The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish."
"What did you wish for?" said the barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
A man and his wife were sittin...
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
Raffle prizes...
Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Who says cops don't have a se
Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country."Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
A man and a monkey walk into a bar
>The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.
The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!"
The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.
The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!"
The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender says, "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it."
The man says, "Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
One Monday morning a postman i...
One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Where To Go For Lunch
A group of softball players, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.Ten years later, at age 50, the softball buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the team again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
