Popular jokes (10801 to 10815)

The 87 year old said; "Well, I

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy sh*t ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"

“Buzz Lightyear was f

“Buzz Lightyear was following a Japanese luxury car on the highway. When he pulled around to pass, he shouted, "To Infiniti and beyond."”

 Evaluation Comments

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

1. You may not have more than

1. You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
2. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
3. There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
4. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
5. Hunting camels is prohibited.
6. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
7. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
8. Cars may not be driven in reverse.
9. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
10. If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
11. No more than six girls may live in any house.
12. It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
13. A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
14. An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
15. No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
16. Women may not wear pants.
17. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

Where d

Where do hens go to lay eggs?

West Virginia State Flower

Whats the state flower of West Virginia? A satellite dish.

Solution To The Y2K Problem

The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Don't shake it.

There was an elderly man who w

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

I saw the light!

Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.

"What we need to do," the reporter explained, "is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first."

After they were settled on the porch, the reporter began his interview. "Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"

"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully. "I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such....and...oh, yeah! God talks to me!"

The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding. "You mean God actually talks to you?"

"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to get up and go to the bathroom during the night, God even turns the light on for me."

The reporter quickly excused himself and went in search of Mrs. Thomas. "I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"

"Why?" she asks curiously.

"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.

"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably. "Has that old fart been pissin' in the refrigerator again?"

Esther and Sally, two elderly

Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Majorca adult hotel, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Esther says, "Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely," he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single."

 New Mexico Crazy Law

State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

Carrizozo

It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.

Las Cruces

You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street.

#joke #short

“Did you hear the new

“Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.”

Declaration To Annex The British Isles to the USA

July 6, 2017
To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up 'aluminum' in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as 'fortnight'. The correct term is 'a two week period'. You will learn words such as 'credenza', 'intern' and 'chad'.
2. There is no such thing as 'UK English'. UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use 'Mockney' and 'Posh' British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.
5. You will learn your new national anthem 'The Star Spangled Banner'. It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.
6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word 'cinema'. They are 'movie theaters'. The snippets of forthcoming films are not 'trailers' they are 'teasers'.
8. November 5^th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5^th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coon hounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as 'caravanning'. It is properly called 'camping'. The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called 'tenting'.
9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

Footnote: Resistance is futile. Just ask Hawaii. By the way, Ireland and Scotland should be separate states. They have entirely different cultures and languages from the Norman fops. To avoid supporting third world countries and welfare states (the reason for NOT annexing Mexico), Canada, Australia, New Zealand, should become independent nations. The Falkland Islands should become an 'American Protectorate' like Puerto Rico, Samoa, The Philippines, Guam and other places that are neat to vacation. America should take back Hong Kong immediately.

A supermarket had a sale on bo

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up.
At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, everyone heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

Knock Knock Collection 075

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Godunov!
Godunov who!
Godunov to eat!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Goose!
Goose who!
Goose see a doctor, you don't look well!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gopher!
Gopher who!
Gopher broke!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gordie!
Gordie who!
Gordie-rectly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me some cheese on toast please!