The best jokes (106 to 120)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 106 to 120. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Smoking Pot
Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.
She said if I did she was going to leave me.
That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!
Where Is God?
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately. So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!" Some Improvements in Hell
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.""No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Eating Out
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
Employee Motivation
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!”
Scream Day Jokes
April 24th is #ScreamDay, created to bring awareness to the benefits of screaming. #Scream some #jokes!
My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.
A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…
The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”
What's long, thick, black, and can make you scream?
A tornado
I like to lick women until they scream
Usually only takes one lick.
My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off
I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.
What do you call a guy in a nascar screaming slurs?
Speed Racist.
#ScreamDay #ScreamDay2023
Picking leaves .. and few more short jokes
I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water.
It's my special tea.
“I have a split personality” said Bob, being frank.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.
But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath.
I don't own a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into!
I asked my boss, "Can I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?"
"It's May," he said.
I said, "Sorry. May I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?"
Wrong Answer
My wife asked me what my favorite time to have sex was?
Apparently "when you're at work" was the wrong answer.
Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Edinburgh Fringe
Edinburgh Fringe 2023, the funniest joke: Lorna Rose Treen's zookeeper pun:
"I started dating a zookeeper,
but it turned out he was a cheetah."
~Lorna Rose Treen.
Here are the rest of the top 10 jokes:
"The most British thing I've ever heard?
A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.'"
~Liz Guterbock.
"Last year I had a great joke about inflation.
But it's hardly worth it now."
~Amos Gill.
"When women gossip we get called bitchy;
but when men do it's called a podcast."
~Sikisa.
"I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic
- just to break the ice."
~Masai Graham.
"How do coeliac Germans greet each other?
Gluten tag."
~Frank Lavender.
"My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight.
Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals.
He's Costa-phobic."
~Roger Swift.
"I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and
I won hands down."
~Bennett Arron.
"Nationwide must have looked pretty silly
when they opened their first branch."
~William Stone.
"My grandma describes herself as being in her 'twilight years'
which I love because they're great films."
~Daniel Foxx.
A beautiful princess comes upon a frog...
A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."
A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time…
A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time.He sees the price is $10 but when he goes to pay it the register rings it up as $10.65.
“What’s this 65 cents about?” He asks. The cashier says “it’s for the tax.”
“Ah. I was wondering how you keep these things on.”
Shrek was cursed by an evil witch...
The curse forced him to be unable to speak without singing. Unsure of what to do, Shrek visited Juan the Wizard in the neighboring swamp. Juan told Shrek he'd need to make a potion from toadstools, eye of newt, and the bones of the freshly deceased.
Shrek said he could handle the toadstools and eye of newt but he refused to kill an innocent person to solve his problem.
Juan understood and said that for a modest fee he would break into the nearby morgue and steal one for him. Shrek agreed.
The following day Juan the Wizard delivered as promised. After he left, Shrek began to prepare the potion in a large cauldron. Just as he was about to add the cadaver, Donkey burst through the door.
Mortified, he screamed, "Shrek! What the hell is that?"
Shrek turned and sang, "Some body Juan stole me."
I Wish I Was Rich
A genie came to me and asked, "What's your first wish?"
I answered, "I wish I was rich!"
Then the genie said, "What's your second wish, Rich?"
The CEO calls a young employee into his office...
The CEO calls a young employee into his office.CEO: When you joined the company, you were just an intern. Within a year, I promoted you from intern to associate, from associate to manager, and from manager to senior manager. I keep promoting you because I recognized your talent and hard work. Today, I’ve called you in to tell you that I’m preparing to promote you to vice president. Do you have anything to say?”
The young man replies, “Thanks.”
CEO: “Thanks? Is that really all you have to say to me?”
After thinking for a while, the young man finally spoke:
“Thanks, Dad.”
