Popular jokes (481 to 495)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Praying for a Parking Space
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
Girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and 2 more short new jokes
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me
I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.
I told her it's ...
it is my last hope for a smoking hot body
I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.
But he just won't listen.
Women should come with instructions
Men say that women should come with instructions. What's the point of that? Have you ever seen a man actually read the instructions? 5 short jokes for great Friday
I hired a lawyer to sue the airlines for mishandling my luggage.
He lost the case.
Vegetarians think eating animals is immoral
But eating mushrooms is morel
How do you make an eggroll?
You push it!
What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day
How do eggs run so fast?
They’re afraid of being beaten
Soup on Mars
A man goes to a restaurant on Mars and notices a koala in his soup."Waiter," he exclaims, "there's something in my soup!"
The waiter responds, "you ordered the eel soup, right?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, that's an eel."
"Have you been to Earth?! Eels look nothing like koalas!"
"Yes, but this is a Mars Soup Eel."
Slap the idiot
Does anybody else have a voice in their head that repeats “Slap the idiot, Slap the idiot!” No? Just me? hmm… Odd! If you commit 90 sins, you will be caught about half the time...
If you commit 90 sins, you will be caught about half the time.Because sin90= cot 45
9 great new jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival 2023
Another 9 great jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival 2023
Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle.~Olaf Falafel
I have an unconscious bias.
I’m biased firmly towards being unconscious.
~Leila Navabi
Cats are like strippers – they sit on your lap and make you think they love you.
~Sikisa
The UK is so small, they’ve got to keep all their lakes in one district.
~Liz Guterbock
I have a suntanning addiction, so only go on holiday in winter.
I went cold Turkey last year.
~Richard Stott
Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself.
If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.
~Ginny Hogan
What does Kylie sing while counting sheep?
I can’t get ewe out of my head. ~Alison Spittle
My relationship with my mum is like the evolution of payment technology – we went from physical contact to electronic only,
then it was contactless. ~Kuan-Wen Huang
Last year, I had a great joke about inflation.
But it’s hardly worth it now.
~Amos Gill
My wife said...
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your fucking obsession with the Wimbledon Championships."Two women were having lunch to...
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
Playing Golf with God
Three men were playing golf. The course was a wicked dogleg with a large water hazard.
The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard. He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man steped up and hit the ball. Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water. He walked across the surface of the water and and hit the ball within six inches of the hole.The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it. The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth. An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off. As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball, and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad."
Do You Take Children
The father of three called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room. The clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.
"Do you take children?" the father asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "We only take cash and credit cards."
A tale of two titties!
A couple had been married for 50 years.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
