Jokes of the day for Friday, 13 February 2026

Twas the week after Christmas....

TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING
NOT EVEN A MOUSE.

I TURNED ON THE POWER
BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING
I GRAB THE COMPUTER
AND START BANGING AND JERKING.

I LAID OUT THREE GRAND
FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK
ON JANUARY 1ST
THE DAMN THING WENT 'KERPLUNK'!

WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW
IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER
MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED
TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER.

I TURNED ON THE TV
THE CABLE IS DOWN
MY MICROWAVE OVEN
IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS.

MY NEW VCR
IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK
NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING
NOT EVEN THE CLOCK.

IT'S TWENTY BELOW
THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON
THE FURNACE WON'T WORK
THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING

THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED
AT A WORSE TIME
I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE
ON MY BEHIND.

I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND
AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY
THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK
IN REGARDS TO MY MONEY.

'WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION
AND SAVINGS WITH CARE
BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON
YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE
WE WERE Y2K READY
WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES
BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU
YOUR BALANCE IS..ZERO'!

I DROP THE RECEIVER
TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH
I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE
THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH.

I TURNED ON THE FAUCET
NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK
I HEAD OUT THE DOOR
TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK.

I JUMP IN THE CAR
TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH
IT ONLY GOES 'CLICK'
I SCREAM,'SON OF A BITCH!'

A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION
HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE
NOT SET UP
FOR THE '2000' DATE.

I TWITCH LIKE A MADMAN
THIS CANNOT BE TRUE
NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY
WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO.

SHOUTING OBSCENITIES
AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT
HAPPY Y2K TO ALL
IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!

A new bride was a bit embarras...

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

18 Worst dad jokes for Fathers Day, according to Amazon employees

Amazon employees reveal on their best WORST dad jokes in an hilarious video series to mark Father's Day. Filmed in its UK fulfilment centres. Scotland is revealed to be the bad dad joke capital of Britain.

Interesting, one of these jokes is also voted one of 20 Best dad jokes of all time

Why are pirates called pirates?
Cos they arrrr.

What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.

Do you know why dads take an extra pair of socks to golf?
In case they get a hole in one.

My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her …
I SAID MAYBE.

What did the janitor say when he walked into the cupboard?
Supplies.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.

Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.

My friend cut his finger while he was cooking.
He shouldn't have been using the sharp cheese. Sorry, that joke was a little too cheesy.

What has more lives than a cat?
A frog, they croak every night.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says,
Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says,
I'm sorry,
we don't serve food here.

Why don't eggs tell each other jokes?
Because they're afraid one of them might crack up.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They just don't have the guts.

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they turn around and make up stuff.

Lines

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."   

Happiness at the bottom of the beer

“You can't find happiness at the bottom of the beer.” Well, no kidding. Who is happy when their beer runs out.

A man wakes up one morning to...

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Porcupine Love

Q: What do porcupines say after they kiss?

A: "Ouch."

Yoda on Selfies

Yoda on Selfies

A gang of robbers broke into a...

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"

Getting In An Accident

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

Getting Divorced

An elderly man calls his son who lives in another city and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?"

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced", she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls her parents immediately, and says to her father: "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, do you hear me?!"

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says. "They're coming for our anniversary and paying their own way. Now what do we tell them for your birthday?"

Coffee?

Coffee? Oh, you mean my survival juice?

Great short jokes for mid-week laugh

Sadly my obese parrot just died.
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really must wash some cups!

"999. Which emergency service do you require?"
"What time is the next train out of Victoria station?"
"Sir, that is not an emergency."
"It most certainly is, I'm tied to the tracks!"

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.

A midget walks into a library and asked the librarian if there are any books about irony.
The librarian says yes it’s on the top shelf.

How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239. Just one more and it'll be too-farty.

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character…
You should have seen the Luke on his face!

My wife was blaming me for ruining her birthday
that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.

My wife was mad at me because I only spent half a minute celebrating her birthday
In my defense, she told me it was her 32nd birthday

How can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds

She took me upstairs, got me to take all my clothes off and tied me to the bed..
And that’s why we aren’t allowed in IKEA anymore.

He crashed while row...

“He crashed while rowing his boat and suffered a broken scull.”