Jokes of the day for Sunday, 22 March 2026
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 22 March 2026 |
It doesn't hurt to take a har...
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Growing Tomatoes
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
A small boy is sent to bed by ...
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.five minutes later:"Da..aaad""What"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
five minutes later: "Daa....aaad..."
"WHAT!?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! Ifyou ask again I'll have to spank you!"
five minutes later.."Daaaa....aaaad!"
"When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?"
A prisoner in jail receives a ...
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation. Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow. David: Oh? What are they going to do? Ali: Circumcise me! David: I had that done when I was just a few days old. Ali: Did it hurt? David: I couldn't walk for a year! Special golf ball
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had just one golf ball.
“Don't you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”
The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one.”
"Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”
“That's OK,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it.”
“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”
The other guy replied, “That's OK too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem.”
Exasperated, the friend asks, “OK. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”
“No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark.”
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”
The other guy replies, “I found it.”
Stairs
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Found on tweeter, posted by @fishbowel on 8th Sep 2018
A man and an ostrich walk into...
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
Irritated with everything
Irritated with everything: Have you ever been in one of those moods where you don't really know what's wrong but you feel irritated with everyone and everything? A lawyer calls a plumber for help...
The plumber assesses the situation and says, "I can fix it today for $800." The lawyer, surprised, asks, "How long will it take?" The plumber replies, "I'll need about an hour to get a part from the supply house and another hour to do the repair."
The lawyer, smirking, says, "Two hours for $800? That's $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer, and I charge $350 per hour!"
The plumber nods and says, "Yes, I understand. That's why I left my law practice."
Pagan Wives
Q: Why do pagan girls make the best wives?A: Because they will worship the ground you walk on. There was an elderly widow who...
There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant."Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."
Virgin wife
A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."
This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"
The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get screwed!"
100% Polar bear
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"
Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"
