Jokes of the day for Thursday, 29 January 2026

Trying To Fix A Clock

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

A guy calls a company and orde...

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

I hate it when people

I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?”, and i'm like : “No, not at all, we shit in the yard .”

A traveling salesman's car breaks down way...

A traveling salesman's car breaks down way out in farm country late in the evening.

Luckily he's not too far from a quaint little farmhouse, so he goes and knocks on the door. The farmer and his wife answer the door, quite sympathetic to the salesman's plight.

They let him use their phone to call a tow company. Unfortunately the truck couldn't come out until morning, so the couple offer to let him stay with them overnight. They don't have a guest room, but their bed is large enough to fit three comfortably, so the salesman accepts gratefully.

A couple hours after going to bed, the wife turns to the salesman and whispers, "I want you!"

He answers, "But your husband is right there!"

She replies, "Pluck a hair from his butt. If he doesn't wake up, we can do it."

He plucks a hair; the farmer doesn't stir, and they quietly have sex.

A couple hours later, she says "I want you again!"

He plucks another hair from the farmer's butt, getting no reaction, so they have sex again.

Another couple hours later, she says, "I want you one last time before you go!"

And as the salesman reaches to pluck a hair, the farmer tiredly says, "Look, man, I don't mind if you do my wife, but could you please stop using my ass as a scoreboard?"

During a visit to the mental a...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor.
A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug out.
Do you want a bed near the window?

50-50 partners

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

It's Not For Everyone

What is tact?
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

Staircase

“The construction worker reported the work on the top floor of the house was proceeding fine until they got to the staircase. Then it was a downward spiral.”

Don't give up. You time is coming soon.

I know sometimes you feel like giving up. Every new day there seems to be no change in your life. All the troubles of your heart and worries keep on worsening! You wonder why everything is happening to you. You keep on asking yourself why you’re not lucky like other people. You keep on praying to God but so far He hasn’t answered your prayers. Now you have started losing hope. You now think that maybe you were meant to be like that or maybe somebody cursed you. But I tell you what my friend? You weren’t meant to be like that and you weren’t cursed. God is silent but He watches you day and night. He listens to your prayers and He has something special for you. Just stay strong, focused, and hardworking and keep praying to God. Bear it in your minds that you’re not alone in that hard situation, we are all in the same boat. So don’t give up my dear friend. Your time is coming soon.

Who pushed the forward button on my weekend

Alright… Who pushed the forward button on my weekend?

Greg Giraldo: High Self-Esteem

If everyone grows up with high self-esteem, whos gonna dance in our strip clubs?

Quote of the Day

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Two old married men chatting i...

Two old married men chatting in a bar.
First man says, "Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?"
The second man replied, "Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery."

After a very busy day, a commu...

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed London for Liverpool. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, it's Eric, I'm on the train, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting, no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life, yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous rabble, yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and get yourself back into bed!"