Jokes of the day for Monday, 12 January 2026

A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

The leading causes of death in...

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

Even when the man is listening what wife liked for her birthday

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

Jo Koy: Three-Year-Old Son

Ive got a three-year-old son. Its like living with a crazy midget.

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

One Sunday morning William bur...

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Undercover Detective

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day

August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon

I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard

What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies

Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.

What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles

What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz

What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.

What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”

Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.

What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.

Perform Under Pressure

I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody!"

Riding Nun’s

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.

One says breathlessly, "I've never come this way before!"

To which the other replies, "It's the cobblestones."

Mary's Little One

Mary had a little lamb...
And two nurses who passed out in the delivery room.

Quickie

A man goes into a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table then leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.'"

7 jokes to start your day and exercise abs with laughter

I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"

I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use

People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"

My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again

Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash

Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal.

I’m an electrician Most people are really shocked
when they learn I’m not that great at it

I was at my bank today waiting...

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Steamroller accidents

Steamroller accidents can be quite ugly. Luckily I have always been the grader man.