Jokes of the day for Friday, 28 April 2017

The Question

Mrs. Applebaum was surprised when she saw her son Burt at home. 'Why are you home from school so early?' asked Mrs. Applebaum.
'I was the only one who could answer a question,” replied Burt.
'Oh, really?” said Mrs. Applebaum proudly. “What was the question?'
'Who threw the eraser at the principal?'

An elderly man and his wife go

An elderly man and his wife go to the doctor so he can get a check up. The doctor examined him thoroughly in the presence of his wife.
"You're in perfect health!" said the doctor, "What do you attribute this to?"
"It is the help of God." he says, "Even when I wake in the night and go to the bathroom, God turns the light on for me so I will not stumble, and when I leave, He turns it off."
"That is totally amazing!" says the doc.
"No it isn't!" says his wife, "He pees in the refrigerator!"

“On land crabs tend t

“On land crabs tend to use the sidewalk.”

Testicle bombs are an ever-pre

Testicle bombs are an ever-present threat in the Baltic states. But worrying about it too much can make you gonad.

Ham sandwich with mustard...

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife who suddenly appeared at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich, when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

Nick Swardson: Quitting Marijuana

The whole first week, I thought I was psychic. I thought I had new powers all of a sudden, you know. I'd be like, 'Where are my keys? Oh, they're in my pocket.' How did I know that? Oh my gosh!

What Would Jesus Drive?

Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.

Try To Explain Yourself

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.
A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?"
After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."

NOTE: I don't know how anyone

NOTE: I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face!This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to itsemployees. It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was inregard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo wasquite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note thelast sentence!)
INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of thisprocedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted byproperly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining theunderside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder thanforeign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of themouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domesticballs are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handlingcan result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintainingoptimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls shouldcontact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing thesenecessary items.

How do you tell a kebab to be ...

How do you tell a kebab to be quiet?
Shh, kebab

A German asks a Mexican if the...

A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

Demetri Martin: How to Be a Bouncer

How to be a bouncer: 1) be an a**hole; 2) stand near a door.

Irish Tradition

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says,

Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I've quit drinking!”

Big Mouth!

A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.
"That's not salmon," the clerk said. "It's ham."
"Mister," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"

Jamaican party

The wife and I are going to a Jamaican party. She told me she wants her hair braided.
I'm dreading it.