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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 April 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 29 April 2017

This woman is visiting in Isra

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock.
The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions."
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
And replies, "What do you think I should have in my window?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Three-way with the editor of W

Three-way with the editor of Wikileaks? Aka a Julian Assangewich.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

I thought you didn't believe in Me!

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in mid-air a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also."

God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided..."

#joke #food #sport #fishing
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

The Question

Mrs. Applebaum was surprised when she saw her son Burt at home. 'Why are you home from school so early?' asked Mrs. Applebaum.
'I was the only one who could answer a question,” replied Burt.
'Oh, really?” said Mrs. Applebaum proudly. “What was the question?'
'Who threw the eraser at the principal?'

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

“On land crabs tend t

“On land crabs tend to use the sidewalk.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Nick Swardson: Quitting Marijuana

The whole first week, I thought I was psychic. I thought I had new powers all of a sudden, you know. I'd be like, 'Where are my keys? Oh, they're in my pocket.' How did I know that? Oh my gosh!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.44/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (9)

A Publicist for Moses

Moses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptians are close behind us!”General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our own bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time for that.”Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.”Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of here, I’ll get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 February 2017
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

The Crowded Store

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 December 2016
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

A guy receives an ad in the ma

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
#joke #food #dinner #sport #golf
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 September 2015
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Answering Machine Message 225


(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 April 2010
  • Currently 3.55/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (53)

Every time a bell rings Chuck ...

Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills a bear.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 April 2012
  • Currently 1.90/10

Rating: 1.9/10 (50)

Salvation by Annoyance

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 April 2011
  • Currently 5.06/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (48)

Shy guy in bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 April 2015
  • Currently 8.69/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (45)

Chicken Gun

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken..
#joke #animal #chicken
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 April 2010
  • Currently 7.74/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (43)

A grocer put up a sign that re...

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each — three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

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