Jokes of the day for Thursday, 29 April 2010

What Makes Men and Women Happy

What a man should do to keep his wife happy:

1. Make her dinner.

2. Take her out.

3. Send her chocolate and roses for no reason.

4. Tell her how much he loves her.

5. Help around the house.

6. Spend money for no reason except that he loves her.

What a Woman should do to keep him happy:

1. Show up naked.

2. Bring food.

Chicken Gun

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken..

The bishop was...

The bishop was excellent navigator. He was expert at working his way through all the little buoys.

Billy and John were given a to...

Billy and John were given a toboggan for their birthday. After they had been out playing in the snow, Billy was in tears.
“Now, John,” said his father, “I told you to let Billy use the toboggan half the time.” “And I did,” said Billy; “I had it going down, and he had it going up.”

Teacher: Why don't you b...

Teacher: Why don't you brush your teeth? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning. Student: What did I have? Teacher: Egg! Student: You're wrong! That was yesterday!

Christian One-Liners

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

Recently moved to a new city, ...

Recently moved to a new city, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."

After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one."

A little to familiar!

Judi and Gayle were walking down the street. Judi noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

Gayle said, "Let me look." So Judi handed her the compact.

Gayle looked in the mirror then turned to Judi. "You dummy -- that's me!!!

Answering Machine Message 225

(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

Mo Mandel: Hippie Parents

Grew up with those hippie parents. Mom was always smoking weed around the house. Its not cool. If youre a parent, dont smoke weed in front of your kids, because it ruins weed for your kids, and thats selfish. I see my Mom rolling joints -- very confusing. First time someone offered me a joint in high school, I was like, Im not going through menopause. Why would I want that? My temperatures fine, and Im very fertile.

How do you tell a kebab to be ...

How do you tell a kebab to be quiet?
Shh, kebab

What does the starship enterpr...

What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.

Two elderly gentlemen from a r...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Jack,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire....

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

Handling Teens

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.

Bird it Through the Grapevine

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet? He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

Cracking the Human Resource Code

COMPETITIVE SALARY
Most of our competitors dont pay much either.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
Youll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.
MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED
Your first four projects are already way overdue.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Did we mention that youll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.
DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED
Female applicants must be childless.
APPLY IN PERSON
If youre old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executives nephew.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
Due to consolidation, youll be replacing three people.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
This company is a total mess.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
Youll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Listen to management, figure out what they want, dont ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.