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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 06 July 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 06 July 2008

A duck walks into a store and ...

A duck walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter for duck food.

"Don't have any duck food. Just dog food and cat food."

"Okay, thanks," the duck says, and leaves.

The next day the duck comes back. Got any duck food? he asks.

"I told you -- only dog food and cat food."

"Okay, thanks."

The next day the duck shows up again, asking for duck food.

Now the man behind the counter is annoyed. I've told you for three days running, we don't carry duck food.

"Okay, thanks."

The fourth day, here comes the duck. "I'm looking for the duck food section."

The counterman blows his stack. You come in here one more time and ask for duck food, and I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor. You got that?

Next day the duck shows up again.

"What do you want?" the counterman asks threateningly.

"Um, got any nails?" the duck says.

"No, no nails."

"Okay, got any duck food?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 6.38/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (8)

A couple of blonde men in a pi...

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
#joke #blonde
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #14 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The greatest boss....

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and way the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.93/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (14)

What he Really Means.......

What he Really Means....

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?

You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before

Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!

I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

Patient: This hospital is terr...

Patient: This hospital is terrible! You treat us like dogs around here! Nurse: Sir, you are being absurd! Now roll over.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (4)

50 Years

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know,"

the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (7)

Second opinion

A man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor how the procedure is performed.

The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps and what not."

"You're going to stick that finger up my ass?" the patient asked.

"Yes." The doctor said.

"While you're at it, I want you to stick two fingers up my ass."

"Why?" asked the doctor

The patient replied, "I want a second opinion."

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Glaci and Curtis

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (14)

A Drunk Nose

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"

#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.29/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (7)

Crossing The Border

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Quick fire drinks

Guy walks into a bar and says, "Quick, give me three shots of your finest whiskey!"

The bartender pours the shots and the man downs them as quickly as he can.

Bartender says, "What was that about?" Guy says,

"You'd do the same if you had what I have."

Bartender: "What's that?"

Guy: "70 cents."

#joke #walksintoabar
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

History jokes-Christopher Columbus

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (17)

14 signs your Kitty wants you dead

14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.

12. You find a stash of 'Feline of Fortune' magazines behind the couch.

11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

8. Droppings in litter box spell out 'REDRUM.'

7. Takes attentive notes every time 'Itchy and Scratchy' are on.

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

2. You find a piece of paper labeled 'MY WIL' that reads 'LEEV AWL 2 KAT.'

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

#joke
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (14)

Came in my pants

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

#joke
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Three little ducks

Three little ducks go into a bar.

"Hello, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.

"Huey," he replies.

"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.

"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the bartender.

"Great. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day, as well. What more could a duck want?"

The barman turns to the third duck and says: "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

#joke
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

Why was the orange s...

“Why was the orange sad? He had peelings for the apple.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.87/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (15)

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