Jokes of the day for Sunday, 06 July 2008

A duck walks into a store and ...

A duck walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter for duck food.

"Don't have any duck food. Just dog food and cat food."

"Okay, thanks," the duck says, and leaves.

The next day the duck comes back. Got any duck food? he asks.

"I told you -- only dog food and cat food."

"Okay, thanks."

The next day the duck shows up again, asking for duck food.

Now the man behind the counter is annoyed. I've told you for three days running, we don't carry duck food.

"Okay, thanks."

The fourth day, here comes the duck. "I'm looking for the duck food section."

The counterman blows his stack. You come in here one more time and ask for duck food, and I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor. You got that?

Next day the duck shows up again.

"What do you want?" the counterman asks threateningly.

"Um, got any nails?" the duck says.

"No, no nails."

"Okay, got any duck food?"

A couple of blonde men in a pi...

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

The greatest boss....

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and way the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"

What he Really Means.......

What he Really Means....

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?

You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before

Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!

I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

Patient: This hospital is terr...

Patient: This hospital is terrible! You treat us like dogs around here! Nurse: Sir, you are being absurd! Now roll over.

50 Years

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know,"

the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

Second opinion

A man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor how the procedure is performed.

The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps and what not."

"You're going to stick that finger up my ass?" the patient asked.

"Yes." The doctor said.

"While you're at it, I want you to stick two fingers up my ass."

"Why?" asked the doctor

The patient replied, "I want a second opinion."

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Glaci and Curtis

A Drunk Nose

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"