Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 10 December 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 10 December 2008 |
The divorce judge asked Little...
The divorce judge asked Little Johnny which parent he wanted to live with.Little Johnny replied, "Not my daddy, he beats me...Not my mommy, either; she beats me, too."
Little Johnny thought for a minute, then exclaimed, "I know! I want to live with the New Orleans Saints! They don't beat anybody!"
Are you an honest lawyer...
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Why did the tightrope walker g...
Why did the tightrope walker got to the bank?To check his balance
Graeme Fraser, Marchmont
Why do cows lie down when it's raining?
To keep each udder dry.
Scrabble (or People with...
Scrabble (or People with a Lot of Time on Their Hands
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
Do you know there's a harsh pu...
Do you know there's a harsh punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.Knock Knock Collection 080
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hal!
Hal who?
Hal about Eve!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haley!
Haley who?
Haleyen Nation!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Halibut!
Halibut who?
Haliburt a kiss sweetheart!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Halifax!
Halifax who?
Halifax you if you fax me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Handel!
Handel who?
Handel with care!
An Unusual Prayer
Little Anne had been exceedingly naughty and during thedinner hour she was forced to eat alone in the corner at a
card table. When everyone was seated, Father bowed his head
and gave thanks.
Then little Anne gravely bowed her head and said "Thank You
Dear Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of
my enemies."
A manager brings a dog ...
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
Seen in ...
Seen in real CVs:"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"I was working for my mum until she decided to move."
A duck walks into a drugstore ...
A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the Pharmacist "gee, can you help me out. I need to buy some prophylactics but I forgot my wallet."The Pharmacist replies "no problem, I'll just put them on your bill."
The Duck responds "gee Doc, that is not the way I planned to use them!"
Deciding what Christ...
“Deciding what Christmas gifts to give makes one present tense.”
Two aliens landed in the Arizo...
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that wasclosed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the youngeralien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come inpeace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don'twant to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at thepump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispyfriend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his pen*sover his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Barber shop
President George Bush and President Barack Obama ended up at the barbershop at the same time.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had President Bush in his chair reached for the aftershave. President Bush was quick to stop him, saying: “No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.”
The second barber turned to President Obama and said: “How about you, Mr. President?
Obama replied, “Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
A Story Behind A Gun
Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod). When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"