Jokes of the day for Monday, 15 December 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 15 December 2008 |
EVEN MORE MORE COMPUTER VIRUS&...
EVEN MORE MORE COMPUTER VIRUS'SAirline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again
LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".
O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
Identity crisis...
A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
How did the human connonball l...
How did the human connonball lose his job?He got fired
James Hogg, Blackhall
Dilemma
One day ...
Dilemma
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.
"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"
"Well," replied the man..."I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
Two cows are eating grass. One...
Two cows are eating grass. One says to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow looks over and replies, "Why should I care? I'm a rabbit."Bring Riches With You
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Where is Jesus?
One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the kidswhere Jesus lives. The teacher picked on one of the kids.
"Jesus lives in my heart."
"Very good." said the teacher.
She picks on another kid who replies, "Jesus lives in
Heaven."
Very good said the teacher.
Little Johnny is in the back just waving his hand to be
called on. The teacher didn't want to call on little Johnny
but finally did.
"Jesus lives in the bathroom."
After a moment, the teacher asked why he lived in the
bathroom.
"Every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom
door and asks Jesus Christ are you still in there?"
A manager brings a dog ...
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
What is Hell?
One day... What is Hell?
One day a man arrives at the gates of hell. Of course the poor soul gets to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a life full of sin, he gets the choice of spending eternity in either one of three rooms.
The Devil leads him to the first room. As the door opens the man sees a freezing cold chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle of the room, desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below zero. Let's go to the next room, the man says, "I like eternity to be a little warmer."
The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is burning. Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he says," I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room, Mr. Diabolo!."
The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dog poop to their knees a group of peopl are drinking coffee. "Now that's nice", the man exclaims," Eternity should be nice drinking coffee. I think I'll get used to the stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay here for the next three million years!." As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic smile and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he thinks. But after a while a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a speaker: Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again !
Ten rea...
Ten reasons why employers should serve alcohol at work:1 It reduces complaints about low pay.
2 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
3 It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.
4 Employees work later instead of going to the pub.
5 Stops employees getting drunk on their lunch break.
6 Staff no longer need free coffee to sober up.
7 It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
8 It cuts down on time off because staff can work with a hangover.
9 Employees are a lot less likely to remember about promotion.
10 It leads to more honest communications.
Christmas tree search
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
This one never gets old - The New CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said,”Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said,
“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
Maria Bamford: Religious Worship
My mom is very religious, and she said, Whatever you think about all the time, thats what you worship. If thats the case, Id like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.