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Jokes of the day for Friday, 13 March 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 13 March 2009

During a visit to the mental a...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Q: What's the...

Q: What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?
A: There's a chance you can negotiate with a terrorist.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A man and his wife were return...

A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't."

At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
#joke #food #honey
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Studying Up for the Big Test

"Why do you keep reading the Bible everyday?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (9)

A newly married couple show up...

A newly married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. ‘Do you have any reservations,’ inquires the concierge.

‘Only one,’ says the groom. ‘She won’t take it up the arse.'
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Old man to young boy: Can you ...

Old man to young boy: Can you come closer? I'm a little deaf and can't hear what you're saying from over there. Boy: I'm not talking to you -- I'm chewing gum!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

Yo Mama So Fat

yo mama so fat she went into the ocean rose ita 150 ft
#joke #short #yomama
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (4)

What happend here???

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (15)

trying to be helpful

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Waiter! Bring me a crocodile s...

Waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich . . . and make it snappy!
#joke #short #animal #crocodile #food #sandwich
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 2.91/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (11)

up, comedians, funny videos, d...

up, comedians, funny videos, dane cook, mike birbiglia, eugene mirman, demetri martin, jeff dunham, katt williams, daily joke, joke of the day, funny jokes, yo mama, jokes, redneck, blond, george bush, bush, lawyer, favorite, list, animal, college, dumb
#joke #short #blonde #lawyer #yomama #animal
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.04/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (49)

Daddy, what happened to him?

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Why is Cinderella and soccer

Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?

BECAUSE SHE IS ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY FROM THE BALL

#joke #short #sport #soccer
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Drunk driver?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off.

He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.

He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.

The cop was dumbfounded.

'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.

'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Flying Her Broom

A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners.
She thought, "Am I the only one still driving a stick?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

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