Jokes of the day for Monday, 23 March 2009

As horny as hell

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it.

She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"

The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.

Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".

The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".

The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?",

The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"

What do you call a person that...

What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"

Q: Why are Je...

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?


A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.

Q: Why don't people like to ea...

Q: Why don't people like to eat next to basketball players?

A: Because they dribble too much!

Men Are Just Happier People

Your last name stays put.

Q&A: Why Was Moses Wicked?

Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?
A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.
Q. What animal could Noah not trust?
A. The cheetah.
Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A. Flood lights.

Questions for the Ages...
...

Questions for the Ages...

A stitch in time saves nine what?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

What is the speed of dark?

Mom: Look, I have a white hair...

Mom: Look, I have a white hair! It must be from all the stress of dealing with you naughty kids! Son: Gosh, Mommy, you must have been terrible to our Grandmother!

Newest Son-in-law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Taxes

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

Have you heard the joke about ...

Have you heard the joke about the dustbin?

up, comedians, funny videos, d...

up, comedians, funny videos, dane cook, mike birbiglia, eugene mirman, demetri martin, jeff dunham, katt williams, daily joke, joke of the day, funny jokes, yo mama, jokes, redneck, blond, george bush, bush, lawyer, favorite, list, animal, college, dumb

A student received a software ...

A student received a software package from his friend. But, he didn't have a computer.

The label on the package said that the software required "Windows 3.1 or better."

So, he bought a Macintosh.

Meet Me For Lunch

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, 'Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?'
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, 'I guess you'd be eating alone.'

I love you today and I will love you tomorrow

I love you today and I will love you tomorrow, and the next day and even next week.
In 4 months, I will love you, just like I loved you yesterday. 40 years from now, I’ll run my hands through my grey hair and smile at the thought of how much I love you. I just hope you’ll be with me through all that time.