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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 05 April 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 05 April 2009

An Englishman wanted to become...

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 6.77/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

Yo momma so fat when she ran a...

Yo momma so fat when she ran away they had to put her picture on the milk truck.
#joke #short #drinks #milk
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

Quotes by Women

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. (Cora Harvey Armstrong)
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

What do you get when you play ...

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

You get your house back, tractor back, wife back, and dog back
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (10)

First Time in Church

Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time.
After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..."

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.45/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (44)

A rich American tourist was ho...

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Mom: You've been fighting agai...

Mom: You've been fighting again, you naught boy! And you lost two of your front teeth! Son: I haven't lost them, Mom. I've got them in my pocket.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Helping Out The Knight


Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.
After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".
Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?".
The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"
Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.
Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

#joke #animal #dog #horse
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

Two men were fishing...

Two men were fishing. They found a bottle floating on the water, retrieved it, rubbed it, and a genie popped out.

"I'll grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

The first man wished for a new fishing boat, all decked out, complete with outboard, the whole nine yards. Poof! New boat!

The second man wished for the lake to be turned into beer. Poof! The lake is now made of beer.

"You dummy!" exclaimed the first man. "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"

#joke #drinks #beer #sport #fishing
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (12)

Innuendo

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?

An Italian suppository.

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (4)

Elephants and Marshmallows

Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: Because he didnt want to fall into the hot chocolate.
#joke #short #animal #elephant #food #chocolate
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

Why didn't the haunted house l...

Why didn't the haunted house like the rain?
Because it dampened its spirits
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

A little boy walks up to the p...

A little boy walks up to the preacher after church one day and says, "Preacher, when I grow up and get a job, I am going to give you a lot of money."

The preacher says, "Why do you want to do that?"

The boy replies, " Because my Daddy said that you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 January 2009
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (7)

Guide Dogs

Two men are walking doberman and a chihuahua when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, so they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."

"A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical.

"Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job."

The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.

The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."

"A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks.

"A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!?"

#joke #animal #dog #chihuahua #food #hungry
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

International Day of the Tropics Joke

June 29th is International Day of the Tropics! Find jokes about it!

Why don't scientists trust atoms when vacationing in the tropics?
Because they make up everything, even the "sandy" beaches!

I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...
I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants.
One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diameter that I had difficulty biting.
The mystery was solved when a man stepped out of the trees and said, "That's mine." Astonished,
I asked him, "Where did you come from?"
He said, "From the golf resort just the other side of those trees."

#internationaldayofthetropics #dayofthetropics

#joke #fruit #coconut #sport #golf
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

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