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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Vince Morris: Pulled Over as a Passenger

Being pulled over is no joke. Its scary, but you know whats even worse? Being a passenger in your friends car when they get pulled over. Thats when you start finding out the things about your best friend you never knew existed. Damn! Damn! This car is not even registered. I got a handgun in the glove box, cocaine under your seat. Im wearing a wig, and weve got a dead body in the trunk.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (17)

Dear Pun Gents...

Dear Pun Gents, see what you can do with Manchester; namely the M'C'R. I've already exhausted the emcee's are puns …anyways hope to hear from you soon. ~Ed, Glucoseville

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

A young girl came home from a ...

A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - HEADshot

HEADshot | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

Redneck Test

Two rednecks were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"
The other replies, "He had a farm."
The first asks, "How do you spell it?"
To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (8)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

A priest working confession su...

A priest working confession suddenly feels the "angry Mexican's revenge" and must act quickly. Opening the booth, he sees no one waiting in line and sees Bob, the janitor, sweeping the floor nearby. He quickly calls Bob over and asks him to take his place for a few minutes. Bob is not so sure he should do it, but the priest explains that should he run into any problems to simply refer to the confession handbook for any necessary punishments and takes off running for the bathroom.

A few minutes goes by when Bob gets someone in the booth to confess. The man states he lusted after a woman other than his wife but did nothing. Bob pulled out the handbook, looked up "lust" and told the man to say 5 Hail Mary's.

A few more people come in and, with the handbook, things go off without a hitch until a man came in and confessed that his neighbor's wife gave him a blowjob. So Bob pulls out the handbook to look up "blowjob". He couldn't find anything so he tried looking up "fellatio", still nothing. Finally he tried "oral sex". Nothing.

Desperate, he pokes his head out the booth to see if the priest might be coming back. No luck, but he spots an alter boy nearby and waives him over. "Excuse me, son, but what does the father give for a blowjob?"

The alter boy responds, "Usually 2 Snickers bars and a pat on the head."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

Talking clock

While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! IT'S 2 AM!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

I Just Needed To Use Your Car


After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (7)

Lethal Food

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (8)

Funny Computer Questions #joke #humor

A woman called the Hewlett-Packard (HP) help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won't let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn't crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,' then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?”
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 January 2010
  • Currently 7.31/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (39)

The new minister's wife had a ...

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 December 2009
  • Currently 6.03/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (65)

CAT DIARY, 7 entries

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
---------
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
---------
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
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DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
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DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only
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DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
---------
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 November 2009
  • Currently 6.68/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (66)

Death Bed

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 November 2009
  • Currently 7.75/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (28)

Bad gums

There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.

The boy's mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.

So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don't go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they've got teeth down there."

The boy listened intently to his father's advice.

Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.

So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.

He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl.

Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.

They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father's advice and shies away.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there." replied the young man.

"Of course we haven't got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like."

So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he's poking around, examining the lady's most private parts.

"Hmmmm. I don't see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 November 2009
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (7)

What's a bloke's idea of doing...

What's a bloke's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can hoover.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 November 2009
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Hairspray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.

He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm ! back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 November 2009
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (5)

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