Jokes of the day for Friday, 03 December 2010
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 03 December 2010|
A husband was having great dif...A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor. After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.”
A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife?
“How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”
Games For When We Are Older1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9 Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
All I Need is a Miracle
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for. A good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."
Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Friday, 03 December 2010
The guy says, before we go any...The guy says, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm hung like a baby.
His new husband looked a bit disappointed, but then said well thats ok, now I have something to tell you. This isn't really my penis, I use a little padding. He takes his clothes off and sure enough he is as small as a pea pod.
The guy then takes his pants off and this huge penis flops out. He stares in disbelief and says, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.
He says Yea, I am 16 inches, 7 1/2 pounds.
A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"
Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"
The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"
Silly Collection 03
What do Scotsmen eat?
What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it's lighter!
What town in England makes terrible sandwiches?
What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!
What animals are on legal documents?
What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
Where do tadpoles change?
In a croakroom!
Midgets get hookersTwo midgets split a lottery ticket and end up winning the jackpot.
To celebrate, they get two hookers and adjoining motel rooms.
That night, the first midget sits on the bed, staring at the girl, but he has no idea of what to say or do.
The situation gets worse by the sounds he hears coming from next door: "Unh! Oh! Unh! Oh!
The next morning, the first midget walks dejectedly to breakfast. "Last night was terrible," he admits to his friend. "I didn't know what to say to the hooker."
"You think that's bad." the second one says, "I couldn't even get up on the bed!"
Submitted by Â¤ÃÃºrtÃÂ§Â¤
Edited by calamjo
Marc Maron: Jesus at the MallI generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, No, no, this wasnt what it was supposed to be about, people. But if theres a Santa at the mall, Ill walk right up to him and Ill go, Listen, fat man, youre just a clown at my birthday party.
This is a nice one to think ab...This is a nice one to think about during the weekend !
Q: What makes a happy man?
A: Daughter is on the cover of Vogue, son on the cover of Sports
Illustrated, mistress on the cover of Playboy and wife on the cover of
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it
doesn't come it means you are trouble.
A blonde and a redhead met in ...A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'
Tiger WoodsApparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
Whatâ€™s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Ping just offered Tiger Woods' wife an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They'll be named Elin Woods "the clubs you can beat Tiger with."
News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woodsâ€™ crash. They are calling it "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."
Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he said that "this was the closest shave I have had yet."
Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second hole.
Itâ€™s not often that Tiger Woods starts out with a bad drive, hits a water hazard, and ends up in the trees.
Itâ€™s the first time Tigerâ€™s driven less then 250 yards.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently he couldnâ€™t decide between a wood and an iron.
Front LawnThese two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.
So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.
"Look," he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?".
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.
So the passenger says "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.
So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?"
To which the driver replies "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.!!!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
Things to do in an elevator...When people get on, ask for their tickets.
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, 'Hi Mike. How's your day been?'
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say 'that's mine!'
Push your floor button with your nose.
Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.
A lady came to the hospital to...A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."