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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 17 March 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 17 March 2016

Balloon Prank Fake Out

April Fool's Day is coming up, so you need to be prepared with an arsenal of hilarious pranks that you can play on friends, family members and bitter enemies.
#joke #short #aprilfoolsday #prank
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

“Shakespeare's parro

“Shakespeare's parrot was the bird of Avon.”

#joke #short #animal #bird #parrot
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

I love lumpy skin growths. But

I love lumpy skin growths. But then, I'm a mass o cyst.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Two guitars and a lot of luck

Two guitars and a lot of luck | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Bulk mail

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.90/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (21)

 Send Kids To School


The Top 10 Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School

  1. To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.
  2. To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald's manager uses daily.
  3. No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.
  4. After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.
  5. So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.
  6. Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.
  7. Easier to run escort service out of home when they're not around.
  8. To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!
  9. To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).


#joke #food #dinner
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

You Know You're a Redneck If . . .

You know you are a redneck if you get written up on the

paper for a D.U.I. (driving under the influence of alcohol)

and your family buys extra copies.

#joke #short #drinks #alcohol
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Q: If you have 13 apples in on

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
#joke #short #fruit #apple #orange
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"I Give Evolution Two Opposable Thumbs Up."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 November 2015
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

The Law of Volunteering"

The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
#joke #animal #mouse #bear #tiger #food #cheese
">Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 March 2015
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Final Exam

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 March 2015
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (72)

Greg Giraldo: On Catholicism

We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 March 2011
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (55)

Hymns By Word Association

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."
The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 March 2010
  • Currently 5.06/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (34)

John Smith started the day ear...

John Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG), and put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO), to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN JAPAN), filled it with GAS (from SAUDI ARABIA) to continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA)...
And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

And now he is hoping he can get help from the president (MADE IN KENYA)?
#joke #food #breakfast #drinks #wine #sport #tennis
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 January 2016
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Gave a bum five whole dollars

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

#joke #blonde #animal #bull
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

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