Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 09 November 2016

“I told Riley she eat

“I told Riley she eats too many pickles. She said to dill with it.”

Two blonde friends were going

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way.
They'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."
Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

What Do You Want For Our 40th Wedding Anniversay?

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

 Choking A Girlfriend

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Sunday, November 29, 1992
The Ontario Press Council dismissed a complaint filed by Allan Sorensen against the Toronto Sun, which had reported that Sorenson had choked his ex-girlfriend.
Sorensen's complaint was that his reputation was damaged because the Sun engaged in "speculation" that he had used only one hand to choke her (the other being forced into her mouth). In fact, he said he used both hands.

Jesus loves you...but everyone

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America ...now speak English

Three sons left home, went out...

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

Louis Katz: Hippie Roommate

I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie. Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake. Apparently, when they say peace and love, what they really mean is filthy and annoying.

I'm not saying I hate you...

I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Condom

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. "Cover me. I'm going in."