Jokes of the day for Monday, 14 November 2022

Church Restoration Project

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

What's the Quickest Way?

An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland. He approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to Marystown?"
The local, scratched his head, "Are ya walkin' er drivin'?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way."

Your ass is on the line if you

Your ass is on the line if you misuse punctuation. And you don't have an asterisk.

A miracle for a drink

A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

Chain Saw

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood.
Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.
"Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.
Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"  

A big city lawyer went duck hu...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

A lady is walking down the str...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."

What are you drawing?

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Let him believe

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

14 Physics Jokes that Scientist will love!

Why does a burger have less calories than a steak?
Because it is in its “GROUND” state!

Have you heard of the physicist who got chilled to absolute zero.
He’s 0K now.

A photon checks into a hotel and the bell boy asks what luggage he carries. What could be Photon’s reply?
“I did not bring any luggage, I am travelling ‘LIGHT’.

How many general relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two: One will hold the light bulb, and another will “rotate the space”.

Why can't you trust an atom?
Because atoms ‘make up everything’.

Why can’t you bring ‘electricity’ to parties?
Because it does not know how to ‘conduct’ itself.

You are in a high school and you see an experiment. How will you know which class it is?
If green and wiggly things are placed inside, then it's a biology lab. If it stinks, it's obviously the ‘Chemistry lab. However, if the experiment fails, it's a “physics” lab.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks about the price.
“For you sir, No charge at all!”

What does the male magnet say to the female magnet?
I saw you from the back, and thought you were ‘repulsive’, but now that I see from the front, I find you ‘attractive’.

What did a quantum physicist say before a bar duel?
Let me at-om!

What can a duck say to a physicist?
QUARK! QUARK! QUARK!

What did the Uranium-238 nucleus say to his partner?
We gotta ‘split’!

Two cats fall off a terrace at the same time, at the same speed. Which one did fall off first?
The one with the smaller “mew”.

What can a beginner’s guide to physics include?
Relativity: When the family gets bigger
Black hole: What you get in black socks
Critical mass: a group of film reviewers
Hyperspace: the place where you park your car at a megastore!

The Sailor and the computer

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers.

To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Read Carefully

Read Carefully - Tongue Twister

A man went to his doctor and t...

A man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. “Here take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up,” he said. “Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Worried to be put on so much medicine the man said. “Oh, Doc! Now exactly what is my problem?”
The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”

Lesson in logic

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"