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Jokes of the day for Friday, 23 February 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 23 February 2024

Raised As An Only Child

I was raised as an only child.
That got on my brother’s nerves.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

Fat free....

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 March 2015
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

SLIDESHOW #15 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 February 2017
  • Currently 8.85/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (59)

Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires

The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 February 2012
  • Currently 3.95/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (59)

Sex and athletics....

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 February 2009
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (44)

Pete Holmes: Employee Discount

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 February 2010
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (37)

scarf

Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?

It was too tight

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 February 2013
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (36)

No desire to do anything

I'm currently suffering from NDTDA : No desire to do anything syndrome!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 July 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

At the pharmacy

A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 November 2023
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Birthday Party

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. 

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"            

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 21 April 2015
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

My Grandson Is A Genius

I'm beginning to think my five year old grandson is a genius...
I can't tell his paintings from that of Picasso!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 November 2022
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

National Hug a Plumber Day Jokes

It’s National Hug a Plumber Day on April 25! Find few sort jokes and one bit longer joke about Plumbers

What do plumbers and teachers have in common?
They both gotta deal with little crap all day.

What does a plumber say in a library?
"Pipe Down!"

What vegetable do plumbers hate?
Leeks.

What do plumbers and economists have in common?
They both deal with gross domestic product.

Why was the plumber tired after a day's work?
Because the work had been too draining!

What is the similarity between a plumber and a bodybuilder?
They both like to pump irons!

When the plumber had a near-death experience, he almost saw his entire life flush before his eyes!

What do you call a plumber who has become super and has his own game?
Super Mario!

A plumber received a call from a woman, requesting his help with a leaky pipe in her apartment. When he arrived, he was pleasantly surprised to find that the woman was quite attractive and had a stunning figure. As the afternoon progressed, the two grew increasingly close and intimate.
Around 5:30 p.m., the phone rang, interrupting their passionate rendezvous. The woman answered the call and then informed the plumber, "That was my husband. He's on his way home, but he'll be heading back to the office around 8 p.m. If you come back then, we can continue where we left off."
The union plumber stared at the woman in disbelief and responded, "What? On my own time?"

#HugaPlumberDay #NationalHugaPlumberDay
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 25 April 2023
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

A boy asks his dad...

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 28 November 2015
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

The Preacher and the Frog Princess

An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”
The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.
The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”
The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”
The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 September 2015
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Double Martini

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 February 2015
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

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