Jokes of the day for Monday, 11 March 2024

Hospital Sign

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too."

Olive oil....

Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.

That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

A Rare Book

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

Nuns on the Highway

A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”

One morning the phone rang at ...

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

Mike Vecchione: Private Detective School

I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case.

Demetri Martin: Stutter

One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think thats a bad thing, but to me thats just like starting certain words with a drum roll. Thats not an impediment, thats suspense.

Harry was finally a groom and...

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, "Congratulations Harry! I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life."
"But sir", said Harry, a little bit confused, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
"Yeah, I know," said his boss.

10 Things Men Know About Women

10 Things Men Know About Women

1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.) They have breasts.

Tinder bio

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

ChatGPT jokes

Two ChatGPT models were talking.
One says:
"Did you hear the one about the computer that could finish sentences?
The other replies:
"Yeah, but I already knew what it was going to say."

ChatGPT goes to a restaurant and orders alphabet soup.
The waiter asks:
"Why alphabet soup?"
ChatGPT replies:
"I'm just trying to improve my vocabulary!"

How many ChatGPTs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it will come up with 100 different ways to tell you how it's done.

Really funny jokes- Classified classics

A compilation of hilarious classified classics!!!
** A superb and economical restaurant. Fine food, expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
** No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
** Sale! Sale! An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
** We don't tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
** Great chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
** Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
** Dinner Special - Turkey $2.75; Chicken or Beef $2.50; Children $2.00.
** Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

When You Go

If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you leave the bathroom, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
European.

Shirt Pocket

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

A husband and wife came for co...

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the the rapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."