Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 26 March 2024

Running Out Of Fuel

My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to the nearest filling station. After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he had learned anything.
“Yeah,” my friend muttered, “I learned I have a 15-gallon tank.”

Signs of Aging...

Signs you are getting old:

1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.

3. You are proud of your lawn mower.

4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.

5. You can sing along with elevator music.

6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'

Losing Weight

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...". 

Animal Orgasms

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"

A man walks into a bar and say...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.

A woman is walking on the road...

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

What's round and bad tempered?

What's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.

Letters from Little Boys to God

Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.Dear God, I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?NeilDear God,If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.Mickey D.Dear God,Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.BruceDear God,If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.RaphaelDear God,Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.GregDear God,Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.PeterDear God,You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.DeanDear God,Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?DougDear God,I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair.Sam Dear God,I am American. What are you?RobertDear God,If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this country. You did the right thing.JonathanDear God,Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.LarryDear God,I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not saying that because you are God already.CharlesDear God,I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Thursday. That was cool!Eugene-

Two 90-year-old women, Rose an...

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb, it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what'sthe bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

A passenger in a taxi leaned o...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Two drunken men were driving h...

Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!

I DON'T THINK...

I DON'T THINK THERE WILL BE ENOUGH COFFEE OR MIDDLE FINGERS FOR THIS MONDAY!

Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

Trip to Alcatraz

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

The boss wondered why one of h...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"