Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (61 to 75)

This woman, who believed in na

This woman, who believed in natural birth, was having these abnormal contractions, went to see her Doctor.
"Doc", she said, "I'm feeling these abnormal contractions".
The Doctor took a listen, and said, "My dear lady, you're going to be having triplets!"
Baffled, the woman asked: "How can you tell?"
The Doctor responded, "I hear inside: 'No, you go first!', 'No, you go first!', 'No, you go first!'"

The Generous Barber

After receiving a beautiful haircut, a doctor asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?” “Oh, I never charge a doctor,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.” The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a bottle of wine on his doorstep from the doctor.Later that day, a police officer walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the police office asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?” “Oh, I never charge a police officer,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.” The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a box of candy on his doorstep from the police officer. Later that day, a priest walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the priest asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?” “Oh, I never charge a priest,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.” The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds twelve priests on his doorstep.

A yuppie walked into a doctor\

A yuppie walked into a doctor's surgery and demanded the quack have a look at his d***.
"Why, what's wrong with it?" the doc asked.
"I'll show you", the yuppie yelled, and dropped his trousers.
His d*** was the size of a jellybean, and the doctor couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing.
"It's nothing to laugh at," complained the yuppie, close to tears. "It's been swollen like that for the last three days."

Upset Stomach

A man walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."
A voice from the man's stomach says, "No, you haven't."

A man named John is feeling un

A man named John is feeling unwell, so he goes to see the doctor about it. The doctor tells him, "Well, it must be your diet. What sort of greens do you eat?"
John replies, "Well, I only eat peas. I hate all other green foods."
The doctor looks at him and says, "Well, there's your problem. All those peas are clogging up your system. You'll have to give them up."
John asks the doctor, "How long should I give them up for? I mean, I really like eating peas."
The doctor replies, shaking his head, "Well, forever I'm afraid. If you don't, you'll get sick again."
John is shocked by the doctor's suggestion, but he decides to give it a go. Sure enough, he starts feeling loads better after a couple of weeks and realizes that he'll never eat peas again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's sitting in a bar having a conversation with friends. One of them says, "I'd love a cigarette, because I haven't had a smoke in four years. My wife persuaded me to give them up."
Another guy says, "I haven't played a game of golf in three years, because it cost me my first marriage. So I gave it up."
Then John says, "That's nothing. I haven't had a pea in six years!"
When he heard this, the barman jumps up and screams, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table!"

An Apple A Day

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "
I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

Doctor Bloomfield, who was kno

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
"Gave me a longer cane."

Inferiority Complex

An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. "I'm a nothing!" she cried. "I can't sing. I can't remember my lines. I can't dance, I can't even act. I really don't belong in show business."
"Why don't you quit?" the doctor asked.
"I can't," moaned the actress. "I'm a Star!"

The Forgotten Scissors

After surgery, the doctor said to the patient, "I am sorry, but I forgot a pair of scissors inside you. I need to..."
The patient quickly responded, "Oh don't bother doctor! If it is because of that, just tell me how much it cost and I will pay you back."

I Have A Hoarse Throat

"Doctor, Doctor, I have a hoarse throat."
"Well I hate to break it you, but the resemblance doesn't end there."

Bad (Cough) Medicine

Doctor: Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you?
Patient: No, I tasted it and decided I'd rather have the cough.

An 87 year-old man went to the...

An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

At Which Stage of Labor

My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"

A man visits his doctor and sa

A man visits his doctor and says, "Doctor, I keep seeing green Martians before my eyes."
The doctor asks, "Have you seen a psychiatrist?"
The patient says, "No, only green Martians!"

Wife orders the husband to go

Wife orders the husband to go to mother-in-law to pick her up for her doctor's appointment.
The husband drove to mother-in-law's house and saw her busy chattering
with the neighbor's young wife. He came and reminded her of doctor's appointment and ask her to be quick.
The mother-in-law would not give up blabbering to the neighbor so after couple reminders the husband came held her from the arm and drag her to the car saying, "Sorry mom you can't miss your health appointment, I had to do it."
The mother-in-law defended, "You know that woman, she simply would not stop listening to me."