Monday jokes - jokes about monday (31 to 45)

One Monday morning a mailman i...

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

Little Johnny is in a class wh

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her.
She aksked, "Alright, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Johnny said, "Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday."

 Knock Knock Collection 179

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Toothy!
Toothy who?
Toothy the day after Monday!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Torch!
Torch who?
Torch you'd never ask!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Toronto!
Toronto who?
Toronto be a law against Knock Knock
jokes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Toucan!
Toucan who?
Toucan play at this game!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Toyota!
Toyota who?
Toyata be a law against such awful jokes!

A seventy-six-year-old man mar

A seventy-six-year-old man married a woman less than half his age and took her off on honeymoon to the Caribbean. When he returned home, his sister asked him how it had gone.
"Oh, it was wonderful," he said, "We made love almost every night."
"That's quite a feat at your age," said the sister.
"Yes," he continued. "Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."

Fail on mathematics

Father: "Why did you fail your mathematics test?"
Son: "On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8."
Father: "So?"
Son: "On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8... If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?"

Monday alarm snoozes

11 snoozes into the Monday alarm clock

and you wondering if the $38 left in your account will do you for the rest of your life if you quit

This is an actual job applicat

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

One Monday evening Jessica fou

One Monday evening Jessica found her husband Mike with his head cocked looking at their baby's cot. Silently she watched him. As Mike twisted and turned looking at at their infant, Jessica could see on Mike's face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, joy, surprise, enchantment and skepticism.
Mike did not usually show his emotions and his unusual display brought tears to her eyes. Jessica put her her arm around her husband and asked, "A penny for your thoughts."
"It's amazing!" Mike replied, "I just can't work out how Kiddicare are able to make a cot like that for only $49.99."

One fine day, a bus driver wen...

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!", the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Billy-Bob walks into a bar and...

Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?"
Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"

On Fridays

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'

 Watch Real Baseball

Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995
You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
They keep shouting "Do over!"
When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.
Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
They play like the Mets

Signs No One Reads Your E-M

Signs No One Reads Your E-Mails
1. You get replies with "REMOVE" in the subject header.
2. You accidentally encrypt them and nobody says anything....for months.
3. You reference documents that need review/input, but forget to attach them and everyone emailed back saying the docs looked good.
4. When you send out the message, "Doughnuts in my cubicle!" and they're still there by the end of the day.
5. You send out an invitation to a lunch provided by a vendor, and no one shows.
6. You send repeated e-mails to everyone that the system would be down over the weekend for maintenance. Monday morning, your voice mailbox is full of questions about what happened to the system.
7. You offer increasingly larger amounts of money to whoever responds to your email...still no takers.
8. You request a day off to attend a funeral and your boss replies with, "Fine - have a great time."
9. You announce that the entire department has given two weeks notice and no one responds.

A Blonde goes over to her fri

A Blonde goes over to her friend's houseWearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank GodIt's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn'tRealize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'

A husband and wife came for co...

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the the rapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."