The best jokes (4066 to 4080)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4066 to 4080. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Organ Flip
I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down.
He says it’s an inside joke.
Bad Breath
We should have a way of telling people when they have bad breath.
Something like, "Well, I'm bored... let's go brush our teeth."
Or, "I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth for me, will you."
Nothing Here
Fun Fact!!!
Did you know that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome?
Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.
Arresting the Judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise to never book a judge by his cover."
She Goes Boom
My husband calls me the bomb...
Not sure if it’s because I’m super attractive or because I might go off any minute!
Feeding the Baby
A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
Vintage Joke from 1844 - Hilarious and Kind of Dark!
A somewhat dark but genuinely funny joke from 1844, related by Southern anti-slavery pastor J.M. Pendleton in his autobiography: There were two women on a boat, one of whom wished fresh air and the other did not. The name of their chambermaid was Tabitha. In the night the cry was heard, "Tabitha, raise the window; I shall be suffocated." Tabitha obeyed, but in a little while the other woman cried, "Tabitha, let down that window or the fresh air will kill me." Thus the thing went on with alternate demands that the window be opened and shut, till an ungallant man, not willing longer to have his sleep disturbed, cried out, "Tabitha, close that window till one of those women dies, and then open it till the other dies, and let us have some peace."Over The Hill
1. You know you're over the hill when you are arranging your hair instead of combing it.
2. You know you're over the hill when your idea of a good workout is standing up.
3. You know you're over the hill when you start picking your teeth out of the popcorn.
Aussie bank robbers
A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.
In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.
Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.
The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.
The first safe's combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
'Well,' says one robber to another, 'at least we get a bit to eat.'
They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found.
Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.
Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.
The following morning, a Sydney newspaper headline reads, 'Australia's largest sperm bank robbed early this morning.'
Why parents go grey...
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me"
Soldier Stands Guard
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
Losing Weight
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...".
That's cheap!
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Ambitions
'I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.'
George Carlin(1937-2008)
Picture: AP
