The best jokes (4366 to 4380)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4366 to 4380. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
My Girlfriend Isn't Talking to Me
My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that...
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
A farmer had 3 daughters that all had a date on the same night…
So he decided to sit on the porch with his shotgun and check each guy out to make sure they were suitable for his daughters. The first guy arrived and said, “hi there, my name is Eddy, I’m here to pick up your daughter Betty, I’m taking her out to get some spaghetti, is she ready?” The farmer looked him over and decided he was ok so he sent them on there way. The second guy showed up and said, “hello, my name is Joe, I’m here to pick up your daughter Flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The farmer decided he was ok and sent the two on there way. The third guy showed up and said, “hi, my name is Chuck….BOOM, the farmer shot him.Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary...
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner."Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.
Lottery Winnings
I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75!
Six Side-Splitting Jokes: From Balloon Blunders to Comma Catastrophes
My wife and her sister fell out on a holiday trip…
The rest of the balloon flight was, however, peaceful!
My friend asked me if I was ready to go to n*dist party
I said, "I was born ready"
A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference For instance,
“Let’s eat, Frank.”
has a completely different meaning from
“Frank is in a coma.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
But I will recover
My best friend loves Batman. So I said to him after our 6th beer: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Him (rolling his eyes): “Go on, then.”
So I growl: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Him: “That’s Superman.”
Me: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
1.7% of Americans over the age of 30 are married to their 3rd cousin. Not sure why they didn't figure it out after they married their first two cousins.
Catholic School
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Knock Knock Collection 150
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pyjamas!
Pyjamas who?
Pyjamas around me and hold me tight!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quacker!
Quacker who?
Quacker another bad joke and I'm leaving!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quebec!
Quebec who?
Quebec to the end of the line!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quiet Tina!
Quiet Tina who?
Quiet Tina courtroom - monkey wants to speak!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rabbit!
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
Fingers
A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them and then went back to packing.
He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
He said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my boogie?
The robbery....
Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"
Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
Biggest j*rks
Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest j*rks get the most attractive wives."
His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"
Back a few years ago, I went o...
Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide.I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."
For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles.I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"
"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe."
Earning His Stripes
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer looked into the distance and warmed to his task.
“Once, I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,” he began: “I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly, the largest tiger I’ve ever seen in my life leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find my gun bearer had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
“Under those circumstances, sir, I think anyone would have done the same," the reporter said.
The old explorer replied: "No, not then -– just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'”
Wrong number...
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get to setting one."
