The best jokes (4876 to 4890)

Why are the blinds drawn...

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street", the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

A blonde went to a flight scho

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

You Have A Disease

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.
Patient: What’s the Cure?
Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

A boy who was a witness to a c

A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."

Police Officer On Trial

A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

A married couple trying to liv

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Victoria station."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Victoria station? You idiot! Don't you know the No.5 bus doesn't go out to Victoria station?"

Cutting wood...

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

A woman, searching for a job,

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

Top Signs You're Bored at Work

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

I'm sorry, Bill...

"I'm sorry, Bill," said the doctor, "there's simply nothing I can do for you. Your condition is hereditary."
"Oh," replied Bill, "in that case just send the bill to my parents."

Jamaican party

The wife and I are going to a Jamaican party. She told me she wants her hair braided.
I'm dreading it.

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.
He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting for the phone to ring or his first client to appear.
Suddenly he heard the elevator doors closing and footsteps coming down the hall toward his office.
He wanted to give the impression of a successful professional, so he grabbed the shiny new phone receiver and plunged into imaginary conversation. 'Yes, Mr. Torrence,' he intoned as the stranger entered the office, 'I'll attend to that business as soon as I've a free minute. I'm sure you're aware that Mr. Hollings had wanted me to handle his estate. I had to put him off, since I'm far too busy with other cases, but I'll manage to sandwich yours between the others somehow. Yes, yes, certainly, it's my pleasure, sir. Goodbye.'
Certain that he had properly impressed his prospective client, he hung up the receiver and turned to face the stranger, who was patiently waiting. 'Excuse me, sir,' said the man, 'I've come to connect your telephone.'

Sir Ken Dodd’s greatest jokes

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'.

Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'

I've seen a topl*ss lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.

The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'.

Author, Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd has died 11 March 2018, at age of 90.

A pastor's wife was expecting...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire said, "Amen."

A husband and wife were shoppi...

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?"