The best jokes (5071 to 5085)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 5071 to 5085. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Marry A Lawyer
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?", pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."Funny Jokes About The Irish
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."
The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"
Questions to ponder....
If Con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
My mother says she never holds...
My mother says she never holds grudges but then will blindside you with something that happened years ago. Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on your birthday."
And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one. You have a really big head, you know."
Every Friday after work, a mat...
Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the Ice Cream Parlor, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl, who isn't there, if he can buy her an ice cream cone. The owner, who is used to the weird, local university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is never a woman sitting in that last stool, man. Why do you persist in talking to empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a cone? You never know... she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"
Black Powder
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."
All expenses paid...
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old fart I had to share the room with?"
Brian Regan: You, Too
You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too -- in case you ever fly some day.'Lost....
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
Bubba had shingles. Those of...
Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles...' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
A young vicar about to deliver
A young vicar about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation's attention."Start with an opening line that's certain to grab them," the cleric told him. "For example: 'Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'"
He smiled at the young vicar's shocked look before adding, "She was my mother."
The next Sunday the vicar nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman."
He was pleased at the instant reaction, then panic-stricken. "But for the life of me, I can't remember who she was!"
An Engineer And A Programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
A married couple trying to liv
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Victoria station."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Victoria station? You idiot! Don't you know the No.5 bus doesn't go out to Victoria station?"
A Conundrum
If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?
It's a puzzlement!
