Jokes of the day for Thursday, 06 August 2009

Q. What kind of ship never sin...

Q. What kind of ship never sinks?

A. Friendship!

Religious Symbols on the Rocks

Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"

Little Johnny took his new che...

Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.

"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.

"It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock."

Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota."

So little Johnny handed the test tube over. The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car.

"Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."

Dangerous food...

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."

A man walks into a doctor's su...

A man walks into a doctor's surgery. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

Testing A New Recruit

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!

10 Redneck Checks

1. You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

2. Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.

3. You go to your family reunion to pick up women.

4. Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him take the wheels off it.

5. You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment!

6. Your family tree does not fork.

7. You've ever been too drunk to fish.

8. You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.

9. You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

10. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income!

Baldness

Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

I've sure gotten old!
I'v...

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

Burglary Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"

Warning: Very Bad Pun Inside

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

my pants were so tight, I was ...

my pants were so tight, I was told it looked like I was smuggling a thermos!

EAGER T...

EAGER TO IMPRESS THE BOSS

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document
here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing
work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

Caught For Speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Get Better Soon

I just got my boyfriend a 'get better soon' card.
He isn't sick, I just think he can get better.