Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 06 August 2008

EAGER T...

EAGER TO IMPRESS THE BOSS

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document
here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing
work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

Warning: Very Bad Pun Inside

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

A man runs into the vet's offi...

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.

The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab tests."

A nun is sitting with her Moth...

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother superior

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then the Mother Superior sighed and said,
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Burglary Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"

What's a Grecian Urn?

What's a Grecian Urn?
I don't know. You'd have to ask one.

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR ...

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ........ OPEN TO MEN ONLY!!

Note:

Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS.

Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR.

Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE, INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.

Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.

PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.

Real-life testimonial from the ONE man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.

Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.

Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.

Individual counselors available

What do you call an unemployed...

What do you call an unemployed jester? Nobody's fool.

Caught For Speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Irish revenge

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking, 'The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Irishman was thinking, 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!'

my pants were so tight, I was ...

my pants were so tight, I was told it looked like I was smuggling a thermos!

Smart Pills

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

Stand outside

I'm gonna go stand outside,

so if anybody asks you can just say i'am outstanding.

Photo by Jay Sadoff on Unsplash

Few new jokes to make Monday more tolerable

Today I saw a burglar breaking into his own house.
Guess he was working from home.

What did the tree say to the new spring flower?
I'm rooting for you.

- Why don't flowers like to ride bicycles?
Because they keep losing their petals!

- What did one spring chicken say to the other?
You are eggcellent!

- What falls, but never needs a bandage?
The rain!

- Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.

Yesterday, I watched our wedding video in reverse.
It was quite uplifting to see myself removing the ring from my wife's finger, exiting the church, and heading out for drinks with my closest buddies.

Charged For Speeding

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"