Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 05 August 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 05 August 2008 |
Steve, ...
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working one day on a very high scaffolding when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you
a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you
Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a
widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
The Israeli Archaeologist
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
There was a Texan, a Dutchman ...
There was a Texan, a Dutchman and a Canadian sitting in a bar. The Texan picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass up in the air and shoots it.The bartender looks at him and asks, what'd you do that for? The Texan replies, "back in Texas we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."
Next the Dutchman picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass against the wall. The bartender looks at him and asks, "what'd you do that for?" The Dutchman replies, "back in Holland we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."
Finally the Canadian picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then he takes the gun from the Texan and shoots the Dutchman. The bartender looks at him and asks, "now what did you do that for?" The Canadian replies, "well back in Canada, we have so many Dutchman, that we don't have to drink with the same one twice!"
Pete and Dud have been serious...
Pete and Dud have been seriously drinking and on the way home from the pub they have to go for a pee in the bushes. Whilst relieving themselves Pete says "I wish I had a dick like my mate Winston that I could hold with four fingers."Dud says "But you are holding it with four fingers?"
Pete says "Yeah, but I'm pissing on three of them".
What day is it?
A monkey is sitting in a...
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did you drink?!!"
How do you find Ronald McDonal...
How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He's the one with sesame seed buns!Knock Knock Collection 122
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Manuel!
Manuel who?
Manuel be sorry if you don't open this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mao!
Mao who?
Mao'th of babes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mara!
Mara who?
Mara mara on the wall....!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marcella!
Marcella who?
Marcella is full of water and I'm drowning, help!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marcia!
Marcia who?
Marcia glad I stopped by!
Heads or tails
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for heads, and no for tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
it turns out that a several pr...
it turns out that a several protected, rare birds in Germany have been feeding on a species of protected, rare fish. In response to this dilemma, exasperated German officials have decided to do the only thing that makes sense in this kind of a situation - kill all the environmentalists.Perfect Man, Perfect Woman
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.
All my friends are getting married
@amyschumer
All my friends are getting married
I guess I am jut at that age where people give up
on.cc.com/1yk0JL0
Breeding Bulls
My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.
