Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 August 2010

How is that dentist?

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Parents in Beverly Hills fired...

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.

Funeral Procession

Two men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing was adjacent to a road. The first man was setting up for his swing, when a funeral procession went by on the road. He stopped, faced the procession for a moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the hearse passed by. Only when the procession had passed out of view did he resume playing, driving his ball to the green.
As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, "That was a touching show of respect for the the deceased back there. I had no idea you were so sentimental."
The first man shrugged and said, "It's the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years."

The Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Quotes taken from Federal Gove...

Quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

2. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

3. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

4. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

5. "If she were any more stupid, she'd have to be watered twice a week."

6. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

7. "If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean."

8. "It's hard to believe she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

9. "One neuron short of a synapse."

10. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; she only gargled."

11. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

12. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

Little Johnny and the math teacher...

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

The Twelve Bugs Of Christmas

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

1-iron

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

Donald Glover: Serious Black Candidate

When he was coming up, people were like, We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate. And then when he won, they were like, Our first multi-racial president. And I was like, Thats not fair. I mean, lets set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldnt yell, Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michae...

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.r>r> This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. r>r> Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: r>r> "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches
in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull . but that's
not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things
up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.My whitewalls
are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.My fuel rate burns
inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -----------------------
------- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator
leaks or my exhaust backfires

#joke

Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"

A man goes to his doctor and s...

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area. ''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?'' ''Lipstick remover.''

People are like plants -
so...

People are like plants -
some go to seed with age, and others go to pot.

Problem...

Problems of working abroad

Three unfortunate contractors find themselves stuck in a Gulf prison. One starts to pick away at the cement between two blocks of concrete. To his surprise he spots something shining. It turns out to be a tiny brass lamp. He brushes away the dirt and suddenly a cloud of red smoke appears from the spoat. As the smoke clears a big genie floats before them.

"Thanks guys! You've freed me from that miserable lamp and as you probably already know, we genies can grant three wishes. But only three wishes. Ok, let's get on with it."

The three prisoners have a quick discussion but it's obvious that since there are three of them and three wishes they should simply have one wish each.

First prisoner, "Genie, I wish I had never left my old job in Manchester and that I was still there." Wooosh! He disappeared.

The second prisoner steps forward eagerly, "Genie, I too wish I had never left my old job in Birmingham and that I was still working there." Wooosh! He also disappeared.

The last guy stood pondering, "Genie, I'm not so sure about going straight back to my old job in London. Should I go to see my mum or to my girlfriend's flat. I wish my two mates were still here to help me decide." .... Wooosh! Wooosh!

A Golfer's Deal With the Devil

A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole."

A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.

A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.

Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle."

"You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.

On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win."

"OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.

As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"