Jokes of the day for Sunday, 03 August 2008

Problem...

Problems of working abroad

Three unfortunate contractors find themselves stuck in a Gulf prison. One starts to pick away at the cement between two blocks of concrete. To his surprise he spots something shining. It turns out to be a tiny brass lamp. He brushes away the dirt and suddenly a cloud of red smoke appears from the spoat. As the smoke clears a big genie floats before them.

"Thanks guys! You've freed me from that miserable lamp and as you probably already know, we genies can grant three wishes. But only three wishes. Ok, let's get on with it."

The three prisoners have a quick discussion but it's obvious that since there are three of them and three wishes they should simply have one wish each.

First prisoner, "Genie, I wish I had never left my old job in Manchester and that I was still there." Wooosh! He disappeared.

The second prisoner steps forward eagerly, "Genie, I too wish I had never left my old job in Birmingham and that I was still working there." Wooosh! He also disappeared.

The last guy stood pondering, "Genie, I'm not so sure about going straight back to my old job in London. Should I go to see my mum or to my girlfriend's flat. I wish my two mates were still here to help me decide." .... Wooosh! Wooosh!

A Golfer's Deal With the Devil

A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole."

A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.

A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.

Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle."

"You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.

On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win."

"OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.

As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"

People are like plants -
so...

People are like plants -
some go to seed with age, and others go to pot.

Have you seen the current rema...

Have you seen the current remake of the movie 'Cape Fear?'

It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.

The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?

Sounds more like a nightmare...

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."

The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."

So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."

The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

How do you make a Swiss roll?<...

How do you make a Swiss roll?

A cabbie picks up a Nun....

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well" the Cab driver replies, "I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single, and

#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

What's the difference between ...

What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A woman won't accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

Business One-liners 86

Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Never put all your eggs in your pocket.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.

Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never tell them what you wouldn't do.

Bananas

Why don't blondes eat bananas?

They can't find the zipper.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

With a

Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's "womyn" with a Y, and it's not funny!

The Sklar Brothers: Andrew Dice Clay

Jason Sklar: After Dice performs for an hour its no longer a comedy room. Its a disaster area.
Randy Sklar: I dont want to say it was a disaster area, but FEMA showed up three weeks late.

Best things in life are free

The best things in life are free! .Hugs .Smiles .Friends .Family .Love .Kisses .

Jim was a just out of boot cam...

Jim was a just out of boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise.
He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."
The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck; that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead; that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion; that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there."

Four guys were at deer camp...

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."