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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 12 May 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 12 May 2013

How many?


Adam returned home late at night, and entered the front door with staggering feet. As soon as he saw his wife Stella, he ordered her to come with him upstairs as he wanted a screw immediately.

"What the hell Adam," said Stella, "How many have you had tonight?"

"Just the one." Adam replied in a slurred voice.

Stella said, "I can tell by your eyes that you've had more than one."

"Ok, two." Adam said, "But I didn't cum with the last one."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (7)

Winning toast

Patrick hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"

And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

toast

She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

#joke #drinks #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

Her husband had been slipping ...

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 6.89/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (54)

Funny Photo of the day - Someone is going to shop BIG

Someone is going to shop BIG - Why else would have cart this big | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

Nuns on the highway...

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Optimist vs. Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

#joke #animal #horse
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

Reptile Jokes 02


Where do frogs keep their money?

In a river bank!

What kind of bull doesn't have horns?

A bullfrog!

What jumps up and down in front of a car?

Froglights!

Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants?

They always want to play leap frog with him!

Why was the frog down in the mouth?
He was un hoppy!

Why is a frog luckier than a cat?

Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times!

What's a toad's favorite ballet?
Swamp Lake!

Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?

A frog with hiccups!

Why did the lizard go on a diet?

It weighed too much for its scales!

What do you call the English Toad Prize giving cermony?

The Brit Awarts!


#joke #animal #cat #frog #bull #lizard #elephant
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (7)

“The ophthalmologist ...

“The ophthalmologist was called to testify because he was the only eye witness.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.90/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (10)

A Special Night in Iowa

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (42)

Superman wears Chuck Norris pa...

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 January 2012
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (38)

Her husband had been slipping ...

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 February 2011
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Undercover Clergy

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 15 April 2009
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (61)

The Great Wall of China was or...

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 May 2011
  • Currently 2.46/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (56)

Admit That You Did That


An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Again nobody answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,
"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"
#joke #fruit #cherry
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 May 2011
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (49)

Overboard

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 May 2011
  • Currently 6.97/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (39)

tricycle

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?

It is the one with the kickstand.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 May 2012
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (15)

Do You Know Your Judgment Day?

Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too.”

Fellow 2 : “Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?”

Fellow 1 : “A judge told him.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 May 2012
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (11)

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