Jokes of the day for Monday, 13 January 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 13 January 2014 |
“I have invented croc...
“I have invented crockery that comes to me when I whistle. My cup runneth over.”
Doctor jokes-Before the pain
Doctor: “It is of vital importance that you take this particular medicine right one hour before you get your pains.”
During a robbery, one of the r...
During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.
Diagnose this patient...
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
On his birthday, Chuck Norris ...
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.Knock Knock Collection 184
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Valencia!
Valencia who?
Valenicia dollar, will you pay it back?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Value!
Value who?
Value be my Valentine?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vanessa!
Vanessa who?
Vanessa bus be along in a minute!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vanessa!
Vanessa who?
Vanessa going to grow up?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vanilla!
Vanilla who?
Vanilla call the doctor?
A Jewish Landing
As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off.""To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah."
"To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."
Chuck Norris' belly button is ...
Chuck Norris' belly button is actually a power outlet.Rickey Smiley: White Church
I joined a white church because white people get out on time. You might be a redneck if 57
You might be a reneck if...You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Mimes
Whats black and white and red all over? Mimes in a chainsaw fight.Tea set
A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.
Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.
The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Broccoli
A man was stocking produce at the grocery store when a woman approached, asking, "Excuse me, where's the broccoli? I can't seem to find it."
He replied, "I apologize, ma'am, we're out of broccoli today. We'll have more tomorrow morning."
Resuming his work, he was arranging oranges when the same woman tapped his shoulder and inquired again, "Where's the broccoli? Do you have any?"
He patiently responded, "No, ma'am, we're still out of broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning."
Moments later, the woman confronted him once more, demanding, "Why can't I find any broccoli? Where is it?"
The man said, "Please indulge me for a moment. How do you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophic'?"
She answered, "C-A-T."
He continued, "How do you spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?"
She replied, "D-O-G."
Then he asked, "How do you spell 'fu*k' as in 'broccoli'?"
Puzzled, she said, "There is no 'fu*k' in broccoli."
He exclaimed, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"