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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 16 March 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 16 March 2014

Strangers In The Night

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?"
"I don't know, some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

#joke
  • Currently 5.10/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (10)

Good excuse

Sara shouting at her husband, Dave : How could you go out alone with the neighbor's wife to watch a movie?
Dave: There is so much flesh and violence in movies today, how is a man supposed to watch a movie with his family?
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #50 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Bill Gates Picks His Own Punishment


Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (7)

Stay up

What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster?

A cock that stays up all night.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

Knock, Knock... Arthur

Knock knock

Who's there?

Arthur

Arthur who?

Arthur any better jokes on this site?

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

“A high-class Lakota ...

“A high-class Lakota cook is a Sioux chef.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (8)

Chuck Norris can skip water on...

Chuck Norris can skip water on a rock.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 May 2012
  • Currently 3.48/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (54)

Church Restoration Project

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 May 2009
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Not tonight, Adam

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 March 2009
  • Currently 5.81/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (48)

Kurt Metzger: Liposuction

I saw liposuction. You ever see how they do that? Its, like, violent. They get the hose -- it looks like theyre mad at how fat you are.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 March 2010
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (42)

Greg Giraldo: High Self-Esteem

If everyone grows up with high self-esteem, whos gonna dance in our strip clubs?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 16 March 2011
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (41)

A man was walking in the stree...

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 March 2010
  • Currently 6.75/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (40)

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, 'Great Keith Richards mask!' and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...' and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 March 2009
  • Currently 5.18/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (22)

Two women were having lunch to...

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

When my grandpas memory started to go

I remember when my grandpa's memory started to go.

It was the day I caught him urinating with the door open.

Which is not that bad, but it's annoying when your trying to drive.

@TVJonDore. http://on.cc.com/1EvMWpC

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Stand-Up | Comedians | Stand-Up Comedy Videos | Comedy Central - omedy Central Stand-Up - over 10,000 funny stand-up videos, comedian tweets & jokes + the latest in stand-up news, stand-up specials, comedy tours & events
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

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