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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary?...

Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary?
A: It runs in your genes.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (6)

“In-laws are merger a...

“In-laws are merger acquisitions.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Learning by example...

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (9)

Funny Photo of the day - Hammer murderer

Hammer murderer | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

Lightbulb Joke Collection 24


Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you ? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Huh? The light's out?
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: What lightbulb?
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: They concern themselves with inner light.
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (7)

Does it hurt when you do this?

Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, don't do that.

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (9)

Say What Again?

Did you hear about the blonde who didn't catch the joke?

It went over her head!

Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.64/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (11)

Number Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 August 2012
  • Currently 5.66/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (41)

Tig: Where Would You Go?

I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and hes hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? And I was like, Anywhere? He was like, Anywhere. I was like, Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 August 2010
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (50)

Barbie and Paris

Q: What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common?

A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 August 2013
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (44)

Blonde Light

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Put a flashlight in her ear.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 August 2011
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (35)

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

#joke #animal #cat
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

You Might Be A Redneck If 10


You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Time Machine

A scientist was convinced that his recent Time Machine invention could also double as a replicator.
To prove this, he sent his pet duck 1 minute and 2 minutes into the future simultaneously.
After a minute, the first duck appeared unharmed.
The second duck materialized and both ducks were instantly annihilated.
The appearance of the second duck had created a pair of ducks.

by Jester57

#joke #animal #pet
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (10)

It was the annual homecoming d...

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.
After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.
She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
#joke #sport #gym
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

I had a joke about a...

“I had a joke about a cake, but it's stale.”

#joke #short #food #cake
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

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