Jokes of the day for Sunday, 28 February 2016

I may not be the most important person

I may not be the most important person in your life, but ...

A foursome is waiting at the m

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

Two newlyweds...

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go."

"Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine (sea sickness medicine)."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

 Short Reindeer Jokes

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !

Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?
Because they are both tail bearers !
Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !
How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !
Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !
How long should a reindeer's legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn't want to be recognised !
Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !
Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !
What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !

Hymns By Word Association

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."
The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

I flew all the way to Lima jus

I flew all the way to Lima just to see an orthodontist. You might accuse me of acting in Peru dentally.

One Sunday, in counting the mo

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, thepastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelopecontaining $1,000. It happened again the next week. The followingSunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a littleold lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went onfor weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her."Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week inthe collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

At The End of Your Rope?

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
(Problem solved.)

Q: What's a blondes idea of s

Q: What's a blondes idea of safe sex?
A: Lock the car doors.

Answering Machine

Q: What did the guy's carphone answering machine say?

A: "Hi, I'm home right now so I can't take your call."

“The race car driver

“The race car driver had a checkered past.”

Two prisoners are talking abou...

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: 'I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years'

Herman: 'Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days'

George: 'WHAT!? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days!?'

Herman: 'Yeah, it was a lawyer.'

Apple Does It Again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about
men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet

- Home is where you hang your @

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C: is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

- A chat has nine lives.

- Don't byte off more than you can view.

- Fax is stranger than fiction.

- What boots up must come down.

- Windows will never cease.

- In Gates we trust.

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

- Modulation in all things.

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

- There's no place like http://www.home.com

- Know what to expect before you connect.

- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

- Speed thrills.

A golfer, who was known for hi...

A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.
The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.
But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.
"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."