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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Checking the menu, a restauran

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the table cloth.
He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Well, maybe it has a leek in it!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

“A teacher harshly co

“A teacher harshly corrected a student on a math problem. I guess he got schooled.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 1.57/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #38 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Oxymorons

47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. 'Now, then ...'
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works

#joke
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Are Caterpillars Good To Eat?

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Funny Photo of the day - Stack-Cup Makes Carrying Multiple Beer Cups Easy

Stack-Cup Makes Carrying Multiple Beer Cups Easy - Now you can carry more beer than ever | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Hate Your Job?

Try this...
On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

#joke
  • Currently 7.06/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (17)

According to the Knight Rider

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metalbands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds hasbeen changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received thefollowing letter from an Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 December 2014
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Animated GIF - Oh great, now we gotta start all over again

Oh great, now we gotta start all over again - Oh great, now we gotta start all over again - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

How much wood would a woodchuc...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 3.16/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (63)

Louis C.K.: Working in Fast Food

The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife. And I was thinking, Im not doing that. Im definitely not doing it. But I thought, why just say, No! The hell with you! and get fired? Thats boring. Instead I said to him, Yeah, OK. Ill do it. Then, I didnt do it, and he came up to me later: Did you scrape the gum off the tables? I was like, Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure. And later, he comes up, he goes, You didnt scrape the gum off the tables? Im like, Ah! No. Damn. Are you gonna do it? Yeah, of course Im gonna do it. Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 August 2010
  • Currently 4.04/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (47)

Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 6.37/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (41)

Jessi Klein: Cosmo Magazine

What I love about Cosmo is it is this magazine that is pretending to be your best friend. But Cosmo hates you so much; Cosmo just wants to undermine you, and make you insecure. Like, two real stories from the cover of Cosmo recently, one of them was how to drive a man wild in under 60 seconds. Im just like, when would I ever need to do that? When would I ever be in that kind of a rush? Am I at a tollbooth?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 3.81/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (37)

“I’d like to order a bar piz...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 31 August 2009
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (34)

1/2 Blonde

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
- Gifted!

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 May 2015
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Virgin wife

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get screwed!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 February 2016
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

A man goes into a seafood rest...

A man goes into a seafood restaurant and sees a sign that reads: "Big Red Lobster Tails - $1."
Amazed at the value of the offer, he calls a waitress over. "Excuse me," he said. "Is that sign correct?"
"Yes sir," she replied. "It's today's special offer."
"Fantastic," said the man. "But are you sure they're not small?"
"Oh no sir, I can assure you that they are very big."
"Are they out of date then?"
"No, no sir, they are fresh in this morning."
"Well in that case, here's my $1. Fill me up."

The waitress took the $1 coin, sat down beside him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 21 March 2016
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Who pushed the forward button on my weekend

Alright… Who pushed the forward button on my weekend?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 20 February 2016
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

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