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Jokes of the day for Friday, 14 October 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 14 October 2016

A drunk staggered up to the ho

A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

“I have a bad, bad pa

“I have a bad, bad pain in my toe, no gout about it.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

The ancient Greek phal

The ancient Greek phallus o' furs never shaved.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Marriage...A childs perspective

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pre tty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

#joke #sport #mother #mom
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Late for Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

#joke #doctor #food #breakfast
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

 Preventive Medicine Belief


Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Dress Code:
1)

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we willassume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need araise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need araise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be andtherefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. Ifyou are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are calledSaturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do fordead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to havenon-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rarecases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should bescheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to workthrough your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now astrict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stalldoor will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the"Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will besectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, sothat they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the timeneeded to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and inputshould be directed elsewhere.
#joke #doctor #food #lunch #meal
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 February 2015
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

When Chuck Norris watches a po...

When Chuck Norris watches a pot, it boils immediately.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 14 October 2011
  • Currently 3.28/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (46)

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 October 2009
  • Currently 4.12/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (42)

Hardware Store

Yo mamma is like a hardware store 10 cents a screw!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 14 October 2011
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (42)

Rich Vos: Best Relationship Ever

The best relationship I ever had -- I used to go out with a homeless girl. Yeah, it was great cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 14 October 2011
  • Currently 4.05/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (40)

10 yo-yo jokes to celebrate National yo-yo day

1. Why don't yo-yos make good friends?
- Because they always let you down!

2. What did the yo-yo say to the tightrope?
- "Now, that's what I call a string walk!"

3. How do yo-yos cheer each other up?
- They say, "Hang in there, it'll be an up and down ride!"

4. Why was the yo-yo so good at making decisions?
- It always knew how to go back and forth!

5. Why don't yo-yos work in zero gravity?
- They can't deal with the ups and downs!

6. What did the yo-yo say to the super glue?
- "I need someone who won't let go!"

7. Why was the yo-yo the life of the party?
- Because it always knew how to unwind!

8. How did the yo-yo become a successful motivational speaker?
- It always knew how to bounce back!

9. What do yo-yos say when they introduce themselves?
- "I’m not as up-tight as I appear!"

10. Why was the yo-yo accused of being a spy?
- Because it always goes undercover!

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

7 short Jokes for the Weekend's Approach

What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.

He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”.
Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”
Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”.

What’s your net worth?
However many fish it catches that day!

Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.

I told my neighbours they could eat whatever they wanted when they housesat for me.
Damn, I miss that goldfish.

Did you hear about the bartender that pushed his wife off a cliff? He made a Bloody Mary on the rocks.

#joke #doctor #animal #cat #donkey #goldfish #sport #football
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.58/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (12)

April Fool's Day Prank - Stock your refrigerator ...

Stock your refrigerator with a terrifying "head" in a jar.
#joke #short #aprilfoolsday #prank
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 10 November 2014
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

There is this taxi driver in N...

There is this taxi driver in New York City, and it is nearing the end of his shift but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night. So he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab.
Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says, "Um...can I help you??!!"
The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry, it's very embarrassing, I cannot say."
And the nun looks at him and says, "Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say, so go ahead."
The driver thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, well, for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun."
She looks amused at first then replies, "Well, I think I can help you with that, but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall give you what you ask for."
And the driver says, "Great!! Sure I'm a single Catholic!!"
So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. Porn stars would be envious of this kiss. And they finish up and get back on the road.
Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says, "Well, I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I'm not a catholic, and I'm also married."
The nun smiles and says, "Well, I haven't been honest with you either...My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."
#joke #halloween
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

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