Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 21 March 2017
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 21 March 2017|
The Husband Store – Still True
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.
A mathematician, a physicist...A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given any tools they want, and have all the time they need.
The mathematician uses a measuring tape to record the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume.
The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.000000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball and measures the displacement to six significant figures.
The engineer writes down the serial number of the ball and looks it up online.
“The poet wrote an od
“The poet wrote an ode about a tractor. It was a classic case of man verses machine.”
A bishop, a priest...A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land. They bring out the bishop first and the guard shots, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off. Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off. By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!”
What do rabbits say before fea...What do rabbits say before feasting on your garden?
"How come you're late?" asked"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitresswalked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and therewas a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lyingin the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull wasfractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took thatfirst-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
Gotta give something up...
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.
"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
Appear On Television
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Wednesday, October 21, 1992
In July, Danny Fouts and his wife and her sister, in New York City to appear on the "Sally Jessy Raphael" show to discuss their arrest for shoplifting their wedding supplies on their wedding day in March, were arrested for stealing from the New York Ramada Hotel the TV show had booked them in for their stay.
I went back to my home town aI went back to my home town a decided to visit the house I grew up in.
I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!"
My parents can be so grouchy some times.
Mike Birbiglia: Sex and PizzaSex and pizza, they say, are similar. When its good, its good. When its bad, you get it on your shirt.
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, â€œWhereâ€™d he come from?â€
â€œHe came from heaven, Johnny.â€
â€œWow! I can see why they threw him out!â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Daniel Tosh: Millionaire Game ShowId like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they cant win money, they can only lose til one them goes complete broke, and the shows called Ha Ha, Now Youre Poor.
Kyle Kinane: This Is AmericaThis is America. It is my God given right to be loudly opinionated about something I am completely ignorant of.
Quick clean jokes...Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
Q: What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.
Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: How do you get a kleenex to dance?
A: Put a boogie in it!
Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
A: He's all-right now!