Jokes of the day for Saturday, 21 March 2009

John's on a business trip with...

John's on a business trip with Bill, a co-worker that never shuts up. John keeps trying to catch a few winks on the plane but Bill keeps asking him to play a "game" with him. John finally realizes he's not gonna get Bill to shut up until he plays so he says, "Okay, what's the game?."

Bill says, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me 5 dollars, then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I give you 5 dollars back."

John says no and turns back over to get some sleep. Bill says he'll make it more interesting and up John's payback to 50 bucks in the event Bill doesn't know the answer. John agrees. Bill asks, "How far is the moon from the sun?." John just pulls out his wallet and hands Bill 5 bucks.

Bill says, "Okay, now it's your turn!." John thinks for a second and asks, "What has 3 legs going up one side of a hill and 4 legs coming down the other?." Bill is stumped. He checks his laptop computer, makes a few calls on the Air-Telephone then returns and hands John 50 bucks. John then rolls over to go back to sleep. Bill finally says, "I give up! What's the answer?." John just reaches into his wallet and hands Bill another five bucks.

The new manager walks into his...

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words 'open me first,' and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying:' These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.'

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: 'Blame me, your predecessor for everything'.

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, 'Blame the government for everything'.

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, 'Prepare 4 new envelopes'

Host: There's a storm outside....

Host: There's a storm outside. You can't go home in such bad weather -- why not spend the night here? Guest: All right. Just let me go home first and get my pajamas.

Shortage Of Parachutes

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"

Quick clean jokes...

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.

Q: What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: 'Dam.'

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.

Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.

Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: How do you get a kleenex to dance?
A: Put a boogie in it!

Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
A: He's all-right now!

Arizona

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN ARIZONA WHEN:

- You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't

remember the name of the incumbent.

- You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

- You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.

- You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

- You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the

Salt River.

- You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

- You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

- You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over

100 degrees.

- You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.

- You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your

car.

- You can make sun tea instantly.

- You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use

your fireplace.

- You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of

distance.

- You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

- Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.

- You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San

Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and

Tlaquepaque".

- It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person

is moving on the streets.

- You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

- Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout

counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just

to go to Circle K.

- Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools

will actually buy them.

- Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter

than the air inside.

- No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.

- You can understand the reason for a town named "Why."

An Order of Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. But how will I let you know the baby is born? she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write spaghetti on the back. Ill take care of expenses. Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctors wife called him at the office and explained, Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I dont understand what it means. The doctor said, Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you. Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.

What did the digital clock say...

What did the digital clock say to the analogue clock?
Look, no hands!

This 60 year old woman was wal...

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above: "You will live to be 100."
She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard: "You will live to be 100."
"Boy," she thought to herself, "that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!"
So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.
When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven.
She said to God, "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?"
God said, "I didn't recognize you".

Rickey Smiley: White Church

I joined a white church because white people get out on time.

The Umbrella

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."